Again with the dreams. I swear, whoever runs this stuff is having a great time messing me up. Bastards. Just wait until I get my hands on you.

I’m driving, having a great time. Radio is on, I’m listening to the Pixies (swear to God it’s true) when I realize I’m in Mark’s (my recent ex) car. Then I start to wonder what he’s driving, since he’s a drummer and I know he needs a car to lug his shit around in. As I’m thinking, I make a right hand turn. I make the turn too wide, and end up on the other side of the road in a field. A police officer has watched the whole thing, and comes over to see if I’m okay.

He asks for my ID, and as I hand it to him, Mark appears. As if by magic, he shows up and takes care of everything. He drives me back to his house, which was our house together before I left.

Everything has changed. He has transformed the house completely and it looks beautiful. I stumble through, making the appropriate comments, but inside I’m falling apart. He has moved on without me, and although that’s what I wanted there a part of me that is screaming at me for being so stupid.

There are other people in the dream. My roommate Bonnie is there and I tell her how I’m feeling about being in the house and all that. She doesn’t answer, but gives me a hug and then walks away as I dissolve into tears. I’m alone now, in a room painted orange and I listen to the fun happening one floor beneath me that I cannot bear to join.

Mark comes into the room knitting. It is a dream after all, and anything can happen. He asks why I’m still upstairs instead of being down with the gang. I tell him how I feel and he laughs. I get angry, and he holds his hands out in mock terror. He tells me that I am welcome to come home anytime I want, but that time is running out. I say that I made my decision and I will stand by it. I am still in pain, but I know deep down that this will pass and I will be a better person for it.

When I wake up, I feel so alone. I miss him so much, but now I know that it isn’t Mark I miss, it’s the idea of Mark that I miss. I still think about him a lot and wonder how he’s doing. I spoke to him earlier this week and had a really good talk. I hope that he and I can be friends because I don’t the past year and a half to be thrown out the window. That would suck both cock and balls. I suppose that time will tell, but one day I want to be able to look back and not feel remorse.