Poor Ellen

I heard on BT this morning that Ellen Degeneres had a breakdown on her show regarding a dog that she had adopted then given away to her hairdresser, apparently it violated a contract and they took it away and she is quite outraged about it. While a part of me appreciates her being human and loving towards animals to the point that she would be reduced to tears, it also makes me wonder about her mental health. I have a plethora of issues going on in my life and while I have had a few melt downs in private I have not really burdened anyone with my feelings, let alone broken down in front of them. Then again I do not have an audience of sheep who are transfixed with the talk show hypnotism and all it stands for. We are cleverly distracted.

SO I am going to pull an ELLEN in this article, imagine my tear stained face as you read this. My cat Thelonious has been seriously ill three times, the last time costing me 2,000 dollars when I was not working and could not afford it. This was only five months ago and after paying for a urine test only a month ago and spending a fortune on special VET food he is exhibiting signs of being sick again, peeing all over my house, my bed. I do not have laundry available so I have to drag everything to the Laundromat with my sore knees and hips from this awful slave labor job I have, we will elaborate more on that in a bit. SO I decided to order some homeopathic medicine for him as I think his nerve issues are the main root of this, medicine I cannot afford but I am sure it will be less than yet another visit to the vet. This medicine will either help him or he will die. I have nothing more to spend on this cat and am on the verge of bankruptcy if things do not change soon.

I took a year off to pursue my jewelry, jewelry that everyone claims to love, yet I am just not making enough and after a disastrous summer of shows, shows that cost me a fortune and yielded measly profits, I am forced to find work. While I admit to being a bit quirky I have an excellent resume and references, and have YET to work anywhere where my Employers did not adore and respect me. Yet I cannot find a job worthy of my skill and years of experience. I have been on likely 25 interviews in since the end of August and have had to take a job at an organic meat market. Talk about a conflict, considering I am a vegan. The job is not what I expected, I am forced to carry heavy crates up and down stairs, work 11 hour shifts with one paid for _ hour lunch, and since working there have suffered a strained groin, severe bursitis and knee issues. But I keep looking, going on interviews in the afternoons after my short shifts, which I keep by lying about working part time elsewhere, knowing if I give them all my time I may never escape. If I do not get out of there soon I will suffer an injury I may not recover from. My self esteem is feeling battered regardless of all the pep talks I keep giving myself and I am sure my depression is showing in interviews. The vicious circle has begun. Awareness is half the battle they say?

I want to go to school in the spring and take Homeopathic studies, and am determined to do so, incurring even more debt that I cannot afford but seeing no other way out of my current situation.

I do all this with my head held high, and some kind of dignity while working at a job that is morally painful for me, trying to see the good, scrounging for pennies to pay my bills, barely staying afloat, asking no one for anything.

Some days I think life sucks, what else could possibly go wrong, like this morning when I awoke to piss and shit all over my apartment, soaked into my box spring, another trip to the Laundromat. But I am a fighter, and if I cry it will be in private, not in front of others like some crybaby who is more outraged at being slighted than anything. I guarantee things for Ellen will be righted by the end of today.