Excerpts from Pushed

Linda was filled with such rage at that moment that she was no longer Linda, but a red blur that had never had parents, sisters, known love, or given birth. Her rage was such that it blinded her and had she not been blinded and been more of herself she would have raised and eyebrow, tilted her head and said, "blind rage, oh I get it!" The object of her rage was her sometimes on again off again boyfriend who she was about to kill. She was one second from ending his life and all she could think was "this will shut him up close his gaping mouth forever, yes, this will shut him up, shut him up" and with that she stuck the knife deep into his chest and had someone been watching they would have seen the little smile on her lips and his eyes first registered shock and then flickered before the light went out and he could no longer talk.

One

When Linda was little, much too little to have real memories, but old enough to trust her few baby memories, she remembered a red haired man. This man was a friend of her Daddy’s and he lived nearby she thinks. He used to baby-sit her and her sisters. However, her baby memory does not recall any sisters being there, under the blanket, in the room, even in the house. She was alone in the room under the blanket with the babysitter, his pants were pulled down, and it was warm. She obediently touched his pink think because he was the babysitter and it did not hurt. She did not know wrong from right about these things, she was too young to know. All she knew was he had red hair and he was the babysitter and it was hot under the blanket.

Two

Linda hated it at home. Her Dad was cruel, and her Mother was dull, so when she met the cute boy on the wrestling team who was at her school and he said, "if you are ever in Sarnia, look me up" and she decided she would do just that. She and her brother bribed the younger kids not to tell their parents of their plans, and hitchhiked to see the boy on the wrestling team. They showed up on his doorstep and he seemed quite happy to see her. But is was the older man living there who really watched her. They hid them in a room painted black and later that night they went to an apartment where another older couple lived. Her young friend was no longer there. The older man gave them something to drink and her younger brother fell asleep on the couch. Linda was taken into another room where they all got naked, the other couple together in a separate bed, and suddenly she was naked herself. The other couple urged him on, talking aloud, explaining each step. It was all a blur to Linda. He was inside her and it hurt, but she was all fuzzy and could not fight. He was telling her he was going to come and still she had no idea what he meant. Was he not already there? Afterwards she did not move for the longest time and when she did to her horror, she saw there was blood everywhere. They laughed and the men patted each other on the back, proud to have gotten a virgin and the woman ran her a bath. Later that night the police found them and they spent the night in jail. Her Mother seemed sad and worried when they returned, which shocked Linda more than being raped. She never told anyone.

Three

When Linda was fifteen, she met the cool boy at the roller-skating rink where they all hung out. He had long hair and he was tall and muscular and could move his legs like no one else. He wore a cool skateland jacket and he kept staring at her. She thought she was ugly with her giant mop of curly hair and wide hips but in fact, she was cute and curvy and was screaming to be taken by the cute popular boy who could not stop thinking about her. They courted and kissed, Linda never went any further than that, and they soon talked about being in love the way kids do. Not knowing what was expected of them and knowing only what their hormones allowed them to know they needed to be together and so Linda defied her parents and moved in with him at the age of sixteen, never to go home again. The first time they made love it hurt and she felt ugly, inadequate, and confused. She cried a lot in the beginning which only made him angry. She found it hard to be open with him about anything, especially sex. They played along for a year, moving a few times, playing grown up. Linda got pregnant right around the time he started sleeping with other people. He flaunted it in front of her. She had a plan that seemed logical in her underdeveloped emotional mind.