::Shebytches::

I have a hormonal imbalance. For the past few months, I've been a post-menopausal twenty-two year old. I've been depressed, irritable, self-destructive, withdrawn, obsessed with food and socially isolated. In other words, despite the hormonal imbalance, I've been my same old self. The one thing that has changed, though, has been my sleeping pattern. I have trouble sleeping almost every night! Most nights, I don't get to sleep until four or five A.M! Maybe in some parts of Europe, or in New York City this wouldn't be such a big deal; some cities are more 24 hours than others, and overflow with fun opportunities and options for us adventurous insomniacs. Toronto, however, much like summer camp or a nursing home, has it's lights out by 10 P.M. on weekday nights. What's a sleepless gal to do?

Always up for a challenge, I didn't let the fact that downtown Toronto resembles a mortuary after dark get me more down than I already was. I told myself that I was going to have to get creative and make due with the slim late-night options Toronto has to offer. The following is a list of some of my favourite after-hours activities as of late. I suggest you try them out if you acquire a tidy hormonal imbalance or bout of insomnia of your very own! You'll thank me once your fair-weather friends stop answering their phones after midnight and you've watched every one of your videos more than six times a piece, believe me...

The Dominion: I love all aspects of food. I love food packaging, the look and feel of some foods, the smell and taste of most foods, the way food is merchandised in supermarkets, and the act of choosing foods to buy and eat.. Call me crazy, but I die and go to heaven every time I set foot inside a grocery store. Needless to say, the parking lot of any 24 hour Dominion is like my own personal yellow brick road. Dominions are amazing. They only ever put them in affluent neighbourhoods, and are filled to the hilt with frilly baked goods, organic/health foods and antipasto mini-bars- all immaculately and neurotically merchandised my bored graveyard shift workers. Some of my favourite things to do while haunting the aisles of a Dominion at 2 A.M: Marvel at the $4 price tag on a sun-dried tomato baguette the size of a flaccid penis; sneak Kalamata olives and violate every health code in the book at the antipasto bar; sample bulk snacks; and last but not least, compare prices! Who would have thought that insomnia would turn me into the thrifty future housewife all men dream of! Move over, June Cleaver, and make way for your green-haired successor!

The 7-11: Ahhh...the 7-11. A second home to suburban truants worldwide. Some call it an evil multi-national corporation; I call it a dear friend. When you're down on your luck, you know all it takes is a five dollar bill at a 7-11 to come away a wealthy woman. Some of my current fixations at the 7-11 are the fat-free cappuccinos, the "Big Eats" double chocolate chunk cookies (one of the best cookies I've had in my life, believe it or not...I crave these constantly), this new diet Minute Maid passion fruit-tangerine drink that I'm pretty sure is exclusive to 7-11 (a diet product to balance out that damn cookie!), and the candy bar! Twizzelators + Hot Lips + Caramel Apple Pops = far too much excitement for me at 3:30 on a Monday night. A tip: If you can't find a 7-11 in your 'hood, check out a Sak's Fine Foods ("Fine?" What a misnomer.). They're kind of like a second-rate 7-11, but they get the job done. Actually, their drink section is even better than the 7-11's, and the veggie samosas in their deli counter are the bees knees!

Kinko's: Anyone who's ever been to art school or has had their own zine isn't blind to the merits of their friendly neighbourhood Kinko's. Kinko's is yet another American corporation that I hold near and dear to my heart. They're a huge chain, so they can afford all the latest and most technologically advanced photocopiers, which means top-notch quality for the discerning customer. The only problem is that unlike the Dominion and the 7-11, Kinko's has no real "browsing" potential, so you have to go there with work to do and money to spend. On the upside, the late night staff are comatose slackers who neither notice nor care when you steal from the unsupervised coloured paper racks. Also, if there's plenty of work to be done, Kinko's is dead after midnight, so you can spread out without rubbing elbows with a slow-moving Kinko's novice and avoid long line-ups at the paper cutter.

Bread Hunting: This isn't something to get too jazzed about, because it's a long-shot. About a month ago at approximately 3 A.M, I came across crates and crates of freshly baked cornbread sitting on the front stoop of a bakery on Queen Street West. Needless to say, I snatched a loaf and rode away into the night, giggling like a schoolgirl at my good fortune. Tempted by the prospect of a repeat of this scenario, there have been nights I've spun around the Portuguese bakeries on Dundas Street in search of unattended bread. I've had no luck yet, though.

Spadina Avenue (A.K.A: Chinatown): Not only is Spadina Avenue a feast for the eyes at any hour of the day, but it's as close as you'll get to a 24 hour street in Toronto. A lot of it's Chinese food restaurants are open late (on weekends, they're packed like sardine tins after the bars close!), and it seems like there's always at least a little bit of traffic on the street at all hours. Beware of garbage night in Chinatown, though- the mountains of fish gut-soaked boxes and week-old garbage bags can be stomach-turning. For more on Spadina, see the next paragraph.

Looking for Photo Opportunities: In my opinion, the perfect time for picture taking is between 12 A.M. and 3 A.M. Sure, the lighting situation can be a problem, but at least you don't have to worry about anyone ruining your shot, or looking like a dopey tourist. Some picture suggestions: the Las Vegas-style neon signs along Spadina, hidden alleyways and lane ways, ghost signs and old billboards, crumbling buildings and factories, random found objects, spot lit monuments and statues, late-night drunken shenanigans, Laundromats, and general bits of urban decay. As with Kinko's, photography is a good, creative use of time awake against one's will. Why not use that sleep disorder for something constructive?

So there you have it! Go forth and conquer those deserted streets after midnight, ladies! You'll be glad you did. Who knows...you may never want to sleep again! And if you turn into a pumpkin, at least you'll turn into one with a smile on your face after a 7-11 chocolate cookie.

BIOGRAPHY:
When Tara isn't circling the parking lot of the new Liberty Village Dominion on her bicycle or perusing the licorice section at a 7-11 at 3 A.M, she is an art student, freelance illustrator, and peddler of vintage clothing in Kensington Market. In her spare time, she bakes, collects records, studies modern and contemporary art, and spends ridiculous amounts of money on vintage doodads, clothing and paper nostalgia. Tara also has a zine called Poseur Grrrl, and is the creator of numerous one-shot zines and artist's books.