*Alright, so what do you want to talk about this week?

I was thinking we could talk about masturbation. Oh my goodness. I can see it now. Please take me off your email list. By the way, I had this person email me last week saying "hey loser, take me off your email list." I emailed back and said "oh yeah, oh yeah.... Well I'll meet you at recess and we'll see who the loser is!"

Ok, back to masturbation. There's an oxymoron for you. Who gets back to masturbation? It's like getting back to breathing. You either do it or you don't. Masturbation is a great thing isn't it? For men, if we masturbate at least five times a week, we decrease our chances of getting prostate cancer by 50%. For woman, masturbation allows them to be with sensitive men instead of the dicks they are normally subjected to. What is masturbation really? I would personally define it as a moment out of ones day to provide yourself with something you deserve. Of course we men feel like we deserve this more than woman, but that's beside the point.

I like asking woman what they think of when they hmmm "take a break from the day", and in many cases I'm surprised to hear that they don't think of anyone specific as much as they simply create an image of the individual
they would like to hmmmm "break" with. Not to be confused with break dance battles.

For men, it's a lot more simple. For us, a woman might find herself "taking a break with us" simply because she dropped her purse in the parking lot and we happened to be walking through at the time you picked it up. That was her audition and she got the part.

Now, this gets me thinking about the fact that we don't take enough breaks in the day to give ourselves what we deserve. For example, when was the last time you left the office in the middle of the day to scream obscenities? Have you ever tried that? It's a blast and you deserve it. Especially if your boss is present. Or when was the last time you found yourself saying to the homeless person asking you for change...."yes, as a matter of fact, I do have change. In fact, my pants aren't sitting on my hips correctly because of the overload of change that I have in my pocket. But that's ok, because I'll be home soon and when I get home, I'm going to get my shovel and dump my change into my massive change bucket that I keep in the corner of my bedroom, and at the end of the week, I'm going to rent a forklift to transport all of this change to the bank!" Sure, this is what many of us want to say from time to time, but instead we don't give ourselves what we deserve.

What about those readers with children. When was the last time you joined your child in a temper tantrum? There you are walking through Wal-Mart and your child jumps on the ground kicking and screaming because you won't buy them a toy. When was the last time you joined them in that moment? You could lie down beside them, start screaming your head off and join them in the whaling and kicking. While you're at it, consider knocking a few remote control cars off the shelf. If you really want to get into it, consider pulling out some of your hair. Not too much thought. I'll bet it would make you feel a lot better and dammit you deserve it.

What about the woman out there with boyfriends who constantly check out other women when the two of you are out on a date. The next time that happens, walk up to the closest guy that you find attractive, and sit on his
lap. Start feeding him grapes and ask him for a massage. You deserve it.

For men who go out with women that don't trust them because their last boyfriend cheated on them. The next time she's accusing you of doing something you didn't do, don't say anything at all. Simply walk south and
when you get to the water, keep on walking. Don't take off your clothes, and don't put down your bag. Just walk until the water is under your chin. At this moment, turn around a few times and just smile. Oh and make sure
you wave to your girlfriend on the shore to let her know you're ok. You deserve this.

For teachers who have students that ask them "When will I ever use this stuff in real life?" or "You can't do that and if you do, my dad who's a lawyer will get you fired!" Don't waste your time trying to explain your side of the situation. Simply walk over to that teenager and throw them out the window. And while you're at it, throw your desk out after them. You deserve it.

We really need to give ourselves more of what we deserve. Let's face it, Brad Pitt is a busy guy and ladies trying to schedule a mud wrestling contest with him is going to be difficult. You deserve to close your eyes and go there. And guys, it's unrealistic to walk around this city with our eyes closed and it's not your fault that the mini skirt is popular right now. It's also unrealistic for full fledge orgies to break out on the streetcar, but if that's where you want to go, then go there.

And all of you deserve the DECIDE Show. Hey, if it doesn't work out, there are always alternatives.

Loving all of you!

Stuart

DECIDE
You won't find this anywhere else

The Art of Conversation- Conversation is an instrument and we teach you how to play it!
Wednesday, June 29th
721 Queen St. West (1 block west of Bathurst)
7-10PM (6:30pm doors open)
$25 Admission

For more information about the Decide Show and other upcoming listings, visit Stuart’s website at www.decideshow.comor call (416) 703-9696.

*this hilarious article has been reprinted with Stuart Knights permission and is copyrighted by Stuart Knight. Basically if you want to reprint the reprinted article, you still have to go ask Stuart.

Stuart Knight is one of the worlds most sought out keynote speakers. With his high energy, theatrical speaking skills, your audience will be mesmerized. Whether it's a motivational speech or a seminar on becoming a successful entrepreneur, Stuart Knight is your choice for any presentation.

At the age of 22, Stuart graduated from the School of Business and Economics from Wilfrid Laurier University and immediately started the company Knight Flight Productions.

Since, he has written, produced and starred in the motivational extravaganza "A Whole New Perspective!" and recently launched his follow up show called "DECIDE", which takes place in his loft, downtown Toronto.

In the past seven years, Stuart has traveled North America sharing his positive message with all age groups and ethnicities. To date, he has spoken to over 250 000 people and has toured Canada three times in the National "Discover What's Inside You Tour" with Coca Cola.

As a writer and performer, Stuart's presence on stage is contagious and his ability to move his audience is unprecedented.

To learn more about Stuart Knight, visit his Knight Flight Production website at www.goknightflight.com.