"I’m afraid that the kids at my new school will think I’m fat," writes a 14-year old from Toronto, moments before a 13-year old goes on to describe how she hides the scars of failed suicide attempts from her parents because she’s "afraid they’ll send her away."

The fear seems to be everywhere and sadly, I’m afraid that I can’t seem to point a finger at just one source.

Personally, I enjoy blaming the mainstream media. As a member of the media, I can’t deny that many of us tend to create a sense of panic in young women and then find trendy ways to feed it. It’s splashed on the covers of magazines, an airbrushed version of beauty and the petite, fair skinned, colour-coordinated ideals of femininity.

They are unattainable; a band-aid fix for our inability to pinpoint the real issues behind negative body image, relationship troubles and fears of rejection. The real issues get buried underneath glossy photographs while superficial advice replaces the long, hard task of teaching girls not to fear their current appearance but instead create their own ideals of what beauty means to them. Are you afraid that you won’t fit into your bikini by summer? Try these five simple dieting techniques and you’ll drop the pounds in no time!

But the media is far from being the only source to blame. There are men—lots of them on earth right now and they can make themselves very easy targets. They’ll look at your chest before they look in your eyes, try to slip you their phone number when their girlfriend isn’t looking and find any woman who isn’t thin and attractive unworthy.

And as girls, we are bombarded with horror stories of women who have been used, abused, cheated on, degraded by men, etc., etc. When we discover sex and sexuality, we are constantly on guard, defending our actions to our friends. "I didn’t mean to go that far!" we say or just suffer the consequences of bad reputations while the males need not justify anything to their buddies who give them "props" the next day for scoring large. Men have one thing on their mind, we’re told, and they’re all the same, right?

Not all the time. Too many of us stereotype all men into this category and by tainting a girl’s image of men in general we are both protecting her from certain heartache and preventing her from fully benefiting from a good relationship. Just look in my inbox—girls have become afraid of relationships in general and, too often, those terrified girls are the ones writing me about abusive partners and patterns of promiscuity. There are a lot of bad, bad men in this world—but men are not the only ones to blame.
We can blame women too. Read the vicious inscriptions on bathroom stalls, calling our fellow females sluts, bitches and whores for giving good blow jobs or dressing a certain way. Men are not the only ones who look at our chests before looking in our eyes-- women do it too and comment on how much padding must be in the bra as they stand in their cliques and search for any imperfection in any girl who enters the room.

Girls are terrified of girls in schools. They can be judgmental, catty, materialistic and conniving. They can shrink a girl’s self esteem with one look and often target the pretty, intelligent and athletic girls in hopes of stomping on the remains of their spirits. Girls instill panic in other girls and grow up to be women who do the same, forming coffee cliques and wives’ clubs that are exclusive and, yes, gossipy. But, once again, I’m stereotyping. All girls and women are not this way.

I’m tired of trying to point fingers, but there has to be someone to blame! They may have their faults but the media aren’t all bad, all men aren’t slime and all women aren’t exclusive. The thought of having no one person or thing to blame terrifies me and if there isn’t one solid cause, can there be one easy solution?

The answer is no, but don’t let it scare you. There is a solution, it’s just far from being easy and takes the cooperation of everyone. The root behind every fear, whether it’s body image, relationships, life in general or not fitting in, is unhealthy self-esteem.

A healthy dose of self-esteem is the best weapon young girls can have against common problems such as depression, suicide, drug use, unsafe sex and abusive relationships. If she learns to know her rights and to value her self-worth at an early age, she will speak up when she feels wronged and trust her instincts in dangerous situations. She will make positive life choices early in life, set goals and believe that she can achieve them. She will respect her body and expect the same treatment from her partners.

She will, of course, make mistakes in her life but she will view them as life lessons instead of letting them plague her with guilt and shame, day after day.

It takes a combination of the media, men, women and everyone to raise girls’ self-esteem. It’s our responsibility to watch for danger signals early, pay attention to girls’ role models and create opportunities for all young people to accomplish and create their own opportunities.

It’s an intricate web that will take a long time to spin, but by taking personal responsibility for the well being of all girls, you are quickening the process. It’s as simple as setting examples for young women to follow and opening the lines of communication with the girls you know.

It may not be an easy, overnight solution but it’s an effective one. The more time we spend fearmongering, the more we encourage them to give up. Let’s get back to the basics and build them a solid base.

Trust me—taking the fear out of our young girls is not as scary as it sounds.

Stacey McLeod is a 22-year old Journalism student in Toronto and founder of Toronto Girl Magazine. When she’s not playing around in the media, Stacey is attempting to call herself a musician by playing her boring, awful folk songs at open mics in bars and cafes. She is overdramatic, sometimes overbearing and constantly, constantly making a fuss over nothing—but, hey. She is totally proud of being a girl and tries her best to give young girls in T.O. a chance to feel the same.

**Toronto Girl Magazine is an online magazine and youth writing forum for young girls and women in the GTA. Toronto Girl was created to offer a free, safe and positive space in the media where young girls can express themselves and use writing as an outlet without negative criticism. Toronto Girl is set to be in print by Feb. 2004 throughout the General Toronto Area. For more information visit www.torontogirlmag.ca or contact stacey@torontogirlmag.ca.