::Shebytches::

That’s how long it’s been since I last spoke to my brother. Not including small talk over the years at funerals and such. Imagine how creepy it was for me to actually call him. I was terrified. After all, I don’t know who he is anymore. Essentially, he is an unknown person related to me by blood. Who now all of a sudden feel s a need to get in touch with me.

I had to give this a lot of thought before actually picking up the phone. My brother and I used to be best friends growing up. I know that things change, but he hated me for the longest time and said so many harsh things to me over the years. Whenever I tried to make contact with him he would say horrible things to me and hang up on me. If I wrote him a letter he would reply in such an awful manner that I gave up. I wasn’t sure whether or not I’d be able to overcome that fear of being rejected again.

So I picked up the phone and called. I was shaking the whole time it was ringing and when he answered I almost hung up. We talked for a bit and I told him that I was still unsure as to why he would want to talk to me now when he hates me. He told me that he thought it was time to bury the hatchet and act like adults. Which is why he called. I replied that I had tried this before and that I didn’t understand why he thought that now I would jump at the chance to get reacquainted with him. I told him I still felt an incredible amount of anger towards him for various hurtful things he has done to me over the years and that I’m not quite ready to open the door to him just yet.

After a bit of a silence he told me that he wasn’t going to hurt me again and that he only wanted to try and be friends. I told him that it was going to take some time and that we would have to move at my pace because I am busy and don’t have a lot of time for my closest friends, let alone an estranged brother who up until a little while ago hated my guts. We agreed to start over from this point and try to salvage our friendship.

I don’t know what to expect from this but I do know one thing. Despite all the shitty things he’s done to me, he’s my brother and I love him. I feel if I don’t give him the benefit of the doubt then I’ll look back on this later and kick myself for not giving him a chance. If he hurts me, then I can walk away without regret.

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