Ever since I can remember, my mother has always been very careful about her weight and appearance in general. She has always wanted to look her best, and is willing to put forth the effort needed to maintain her looks. I on the other hand have never been much of a clotheshorse. I could care less about the latest trends, who’s wearing what, and whether or not my shoes and belt match my purse. Purse? What the hell is that, anyway? I tend to dress more on the mad scientist level: meaning I’m lucky if anything matches, including my socks. If I remember to put any on.

My mother has all but given up on trying to get me into fashion. Once upon a time, when I worked in an office environment, I wore matching sweater sets and sensible pumps and carried ladylike handbags. All black. That way, I could wear absolutely anything and it would all match. People thought I was one of "those" people, but it wasn’t depression that governed my fashion choices. It was laziness. My mother understood that, and to this day still buys me black clothing because she knows for certain that I will wear it.

So now, my mom’s latest thing is my weight. I am turning thirty this year, and although I am looking forward to it, I keep hearing about this mysterious rite of passage that I am destined to undergo. Apparently, my metabolism will slow to a near crawl, and everything I eat will turn into stored fat and cellulite. Great. Now I understand why everyone who blinked red freaked out in ‘Logan’s Run’. They knew what was ahead for them, and they opted to be ‘renewed’ rather than wait and see how much weight they gained.

My mother’s last word’s to me before she went away this week on vacation was, "Watch your weight, honey. People don’t date fatties." I wanted to tell her that it didn’t matter anymore now I hooked someone, but I didn’t. Let her obsess over my weight. As far as I’m concerned, all I need to do is stay healthy and the rest will take care of itself. And that means eating whatever I want whenever I want and working off the calories in, let’s say, very inventive ways.