I should have just stayed in bed. I know this now. But, Mark and I had been having difficulties and we had promised to spend time together so I got up and we went out.
The problem lies mainly with me. I am a difficult person to live with. I understand the frustration most people feel when dating me. I have lots of deep-rooted issues that are now starting to show their multiple faces. I am just as frustrated at my own behavior as he was. Difference is he no longer has to deal with it. I do.
While we were out, we began to talk. And as we talked it became startling clear to me that I needed to leave him. I had to take some time to myself and start dealing with all my baggage otherwise our life together would be empty and hollow. I know he didn’t want that, and I sure as hell didn’t want that, so we agreed it was for the best.
I went back to my friend Bonnie, whom I had lived with before moving in with Mark. I spent many nights lying in the dark by myself questioning my decision. I hurt so much, I thought that that was a sign I’d done the wrong thing.
In spite of that, I tried to keep up appearances, pretend everything was fine when in reality I felt shattered and destroyed. Leaving Mark was the hardest thing I’d done in a long time. When we had lunch, he looked like hell, but when asked how I was doing, I just fluffed it off saying I was fine. Which really upset him, because I wasn’t being honest with him. I didn’t understand that until later when I got home.
I made arrangements to go and finish moving the rest of my things out of our house. Our house, the house we picked and bought together. Fuck. Still hurts even now. And it hurt when I walked in and saw the kitchen was newly painted. I’m looking around, trying to pack and I can’t even see the box because my eyes keep flooding with tears. As I sit here and try to write it all down, I’m still crying. Because now, in spite of the speech he gave me about wanting to be my friend and help me through all the shit I’m going through, he isn’t speaking to me. And I don’t understand.
So now, I’m going to go back to unpacking my things slowly and try to remember that life goes on in spite of what you do. Or is that despite what you do?

An Amendment
I recently wrote that Mark was not speaking to me. I feel the need to correct that. At the time I wrote that, he and I were not speaking because of a misunderstanding, which we have since cleared up. It’s important to me that whatever I write about Mark and I be correct and factual, hence this amendment.
Mark and I are speaking every couple of days or so. Whatever feels comfortable. It’s tough hearing his voice sometimes and knowing how much he’s hurting. And knowing that the hurt was placed there by me. That fills me with guilt, and I have a hard time talking to him knowing all that. Thankfully though, he reads so a lot of what I need to say to him I can write down and he’ll read it and know.
So, for now we just keep to light conversation and when things get too much for either one of us we just hang up without the other feeling bad. I like it that way because then there isn’t so much guilt. Just the stuff I heap on myself whenever I hear his voice.

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