I woke up this morning with a sense of tremendous loss. Then I realized what the importance of today is. It would have been my wedding day.
I am filled with conflicting emotions, and as the days pass I find myself sinking deeper and deeper into myself. Which is good if you want to cut yourself off from people, not so good when you’re hurting and need people around.
I still stand by my decision no matter how much it hurts and I know that in time this will pass. It just sucks for the time being. People seem to think that just because I’m not sitting at home crying every night that I’m a bad person. Is that true? Am I a bad person for forging ahead and trying to deal with my loss? I’m not sure. I struggle with my sense of worth because of what Mark and I symbolized together. Now that we aren’t a couple anymore, I’m finding that a lot of people around me don’t really like me too much, and that the reason they "put up with me" was because of Mark. And that hurts me.
I don’t know what to do when my friends invite him out and not me. What does it mean? Am I somehow exempt form pain because it was my decision? Is that how it works? Since I initiated the break up, I’m the bad one who obviously doesn’t care? I’m having a hard time understanding the behavior of my friends right now. I haven’t spoken to any of them because I don’t quite know what to say. Sounds kind of stupid and juvenile: ‘Hey guys, could you not talk to Mark? I’m feeling a little excluded.’
As you can see, there is a lot more to my breakup than I’m letting on. I feel hurt and let down and I think that it’s partly my fault. I’ve been cultivating this image of the Indestructible Sarrah for so long, I would think that it’s difficult for my friends to consider that I might need help. That I can understand. What scares me though is the feeling that my friends aren’t even acknowledging the possibility that I might need them. Isn’t that what friends are for?

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