Mom
It’s
been two months since I last spoke with my mother and I
don’t feel guilty about it. I had my say, she had hers
and we’ve moved on to this place of communicating sporadically
through email, which is working rather fabulously.
We
had a falling out over my stepfather’s birthday party
that I could not attend because I had to work. The day after
his party, she left me a very nasty voicemail telling me
that I was a horrible daughter and that she was disappointed
in me. She was counting on me being there, and when I didn’t
show, my stepfather was apparently very upset with me and
took his anger and frustration out on her by yelling at
her for the remainder of the weekend. She then told me that
I had to call and apologize to him so that he would stop
yelling at her.
I
was stunned. I erased the message and began to think back
to how many times I had covered for her to get her out of
trouble with him. How many times I said yes, I met her after
work that’s why she’s late, or yes, I bought her
those shoes, or whatever to deflect his anger at her for
not knowing what was going on. Maybe if she were a bit more
honest with him, he wouldn’t be so upset when he suspects
he’s purposely being left out of the loop. Furthermore,
why was she calling me to tell me he was upset? Shouldn’t
he grow a pair and tell me himself? I began to suspect that
maybe she wasn’t telling me the truth, that in all
actuality it was probably her that was upset and using him
as a scapegoat for her anger, thinking that I would apologize
and send flowers. After thinking about it, I did something
else entirely, something that my mother never thought I
would do in a million years.
I
confronted him directly, through email, explaining that
I was working and could not attend his party. I also told
him that my mother had known I wouldn’t be there and
I was confused as to why he would be so angry with me for
missing his birthday, and why he wouldn’t tell me that
himself instead of going through my mother. I added that
we are adults, and that a simple phone call or email from
him voicing his displeasure with me would have been preferable
to the passed along message through my mother. I then put
forth the opportunity for him to respond, and he never did.
When I spoke to my mother, I told her that I would no longer
enable her behavior and that if she was upset with me for
not going then to just be honest with me and say that. She
then came out and told me that she was upset with me for
not being there and that it would have been nice to have
me there as part of the family. It was her problem all along,
not his.
The
problem I have with my mother is that she has spent so many
years of her life glossing over the truth or outright lying
about things that she no longer has a concept of what’s
true and what’s made up. So when things like this happen,
she makes up her own version and expects me to back her
up and because I want her to love me, I’ve done just
that. At least, I used to.
It’s
amazing how now that I am no longer her partner in crime
so to speak she’ll have nothing to do with me. Because
I refuse to encourage her behavior anymore, she has withdrawn
her love and support; what little of both there was to begin
with. Am I sad? Of course. She’s my mother and I love
her regardless of what she does. It doesn’t mean that
I condone what she does, nor do I have be around her when
she does it.
My
stepfather? In all the years he and my mother have been
together, not once has he picked up the phone to call me
or sent me an email to see how I’m doing. Not once.
Each time I see him, he bitches at me to come over more
and I always tell him that it works both ways. A lesson
for you out there with children. Be nice to them, because
they choose what retirement home you go into.
he