Crush
I
have a crush on a man who is twenty years older than I am,
and since I am in my early 30’s this presents a problem.
He has an ex-wife, a daughter in university and a career
that seems to get better each minute he spends on this planet.
He’s had huge success in the film industry and travels
all over the world, but that isn’t what I like or what
attracts me to him. What hooked me is his soul.
We
met last year at a party and I didn’t really get a
chance to talk to him very much. We exchanged emails and
I didn’t think too much of it, until he sent me a quick
note one day to see how I was doing. The Christmas season
hit and between working and family stuff, I didn’t
really keep in touch. I was sitting at my computer one day
and thought I should email him back and say hi. And that’s
when it started. Long emails back and forth about life,
and things we want to do (before you roll your eyes at me
and tell me he’s playing me for a fool just remember
that this is my crush and I will deal with it however I
see fit)
I’ve
always searched for that someone that I can have long conversations
with and don’t feel like I have dumb things down so
they can contribute. I appreciate someone who has different
interests than me, because that gives me an opportunity
to learn new things. I abhor repetition, and this man is
anything but repetitive. We have enough in common that there
aren’t any gaps in our conversations and enough differences
to make the conversations interesting and satisfying. I
don’t feel like I’m wasting my time talking with
him, regardless of how it all turns out. He has such a positive
outlook on life and strives each day to be better than he
was the previous day. Although he claims not to have any
religious affiliation talking with him makes me think he’s
a Buddhist. Just the softness of his voice and the way he
brings life to the topic at hand. I remember only having
conversations like that with one other person in my life:
my beloved grandmother.
I
didn’t really know my nana growing up. She wasn’t
really part of my life until I moved out of my parent’s
house. Then, it seemed like she noticed I was alive and
began to invite me over for dinner. During those dinners,
she would give me some of the best advice I’ve ever
received in my life. When I told her I was getting married,
she shook her head and told me I was making a mistake. When
I divorced him, she smiled and bought me ice cream. The
last few years of her life, she not only taught me how to
play poker but how to cheat at it. The last time I saw her
alive she told me that I needed to stay true to myself and
to always listen to the little voice deep inside because
that voice, she told me, would be her.
Maybe
I’m just lonely and want someone who I feel, narcissistically,
is on my intellectual level. I’ve always tried to surround
myself with people that I connect with and lately I’ve
felt a definite shift in those friendships that I’ve
tried so painstakingly to maintain. I’m finding that
I have less patience for those who don’t try, than
I do for those who try and don’t quite succeed. So
what does all that have to do with my crush on this man?
Simple.
I
understand the difficulty involved with a long distance
relationship, regardless of the age difference. I don’t
know if this is even going to go anywhere, I’m just
thinking out loud. If it does, then there are some things
we’ll have to discuss. Until I know for sure, I’m
just going to enjoy my crush for what it: attention from
an older man whose intelligence both frightens and delights
me.
he