I
said I wouldn’t smoke American cigarettes. Okay, yeah,
I’m into these soft pack Vantage things now.
I
never liked the smell of American cigarettes. It’s
always been so strong and bothering that from someone who
has always been an outside smoker, and has always found
it annoying when people smoke in restaurants. We don’t
have to worry about that in Cambridge anymore, but here
in Atlanta you can still smoke just about anywhere.
It’s
really weird after four years of not hearing it, to be asked,
"Smoking, or non?" I’ve always said, "Non."
But, someday I’d like to be able to say it because
I don’t smoke.
I
quit smoking (cold turkey) in October, and did well for
6 weeks. There’s always something to make it easy to
go back again though. I had a couple of drinks, and they
‘go together’.
So
why can’t I throw away these American things and just
quit? It’s so much easier said than done. It is truly
a bad habit, picked up at the same time each day, or for
the same reasons. My worst time is when I’m idle. When
I’m reading a book, or writing, or vegging in the back
yard. Sometimes I even say, "Not yet", and make
myself wait another 10 minutes. Most of the time that’s
when I’m in the car, bored, stuck in one place, finding
myself smoking too much. But if I’m traveling with
my kids in the car, I will not light up. They have a way
of making me not smoke as much, especially now since they’ve
both done the smoking health unit in school.
Dennis
bugs me to quit, too. That can be irritating at times, but
I realize he is only thinking of my health. I keep telling
him that I will stop, but it’s the starting that is
the hard part. (As I light another smoke.)
Why
is my better health not a good enough reason to quit? I
know the cancer stats, why can’t I butt out? It’s
because I am no longer troubled from smoking. It does not
affect my day to day. Thinking of loosing a few years at
the end of my life does not seem like a big deal today.
I do not look forward to old age anyway. And cancer is that
unseen thing that happens to those around me, and I’m
safe. Or so she thinks.
So
the battle inside me goes on, and I will fill the nicotine
need until the day that I am strong enough to try again.
Soon.
he