A Few of My Least Favourite Things

My least favourite words in the world, not really in order of least favouriteness. With thanks to and much identification with Jaye Tyler of Wonderfalls, the second best show ever to get cruelly cancelled.

1. So, how’s your thesis? [OK, I hate these less now I can be all smug and go "Finished. Yuh huh. Kiss my doctoral ass." But that’s after years of "how’s your thesis?" pain.]
2. Now you’ve finished school, what are you going to do with your life? [Uh, because school wasn’t life. It was like this holiday where I just danced around on the clouds in a floaty dress going lalala and beautiful naked people served me nectar from crystal goblets. Oh, and do you think maybe that after writing A BOOK I might take some time off before I commit to the next phase of being an oh-so-productive citizen of your coercive plan for normalness?] [Wow. That felt great. I’m actually gonna say that out loud next time].
3. How come you’re leaving academia. Don’t you like teaching? [No. No I don’t. I don’t like filling in forms to satisfy bureaucrats. I don’t like distilling my thoughts down into MTV-length soundbites to satisfy silver-spoon brats. I hate writing quizzes and catching plagiarists and listening to excuses and being attacked by jocks with a sense of entitlement and dedicating my weekends to split infinitives and getting chalk dust on all my black clothes. I actually like teaching – the sharing of knowledge in a consensual, open atmosphere – but I hate the institutionalisation of it. Also, university teaching is not the dream I have had all my life and it is not the world’s best or most important job. So get over yourself. (NB: this question often comes from other graduate students or profs who are horrified that I’m abseiling out of the ivory tower.) Oh yeah, and academia’s not a place or a job – it’s a state of mind. As long as I’m thinking, writing, sharing, teaching, I’m using my training. Can yall teaching composition to stay in the game say the same?]
4. Hmm, you work book retail. How nice. That must be very relaxing. Do you get paid to read? [Excuse me, have you ever worked front-line retail? OK, so it’s not the ER but it’s still being on every minute. And yes, I appreciate having a job (full stop) where I am carrying out fairly basic tasks (often several at the same time) and working with a supportive team. But no, it’s not a week at a Caribbean spa. People have this romantic idea of working in an independent bookstore – ya sit around and talk about books over lattes. That’s a reading group. This is guerrilla warfare: there’s evil chains out to get our ass, money’s tight, publishers are ever more demanding and less forgiving and – well – there are customers. Sometimes not enough, sometimes too many. And there are boxes. Stacks and stacks and stacks of boxes. Do you know how much books weigh? I can’t even look at reading material any more without putting it on the scales in my mind].
5. So… is that your boyfriend? [I’m not even gonna get into this one. There are so many issues from the terminology (preferred term is love slave) to the look of smug relief that it’s not a girlfriend. It’s none of your business. And don’t get mad cause I didn’t tell you. I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d be an ass about it].
6. You have siblings? I thought you were an only child. [Yeah, well. Just because I prefer to talk about culture and politics and stuff rather than tell hilarious stories about my embarrassing/lovable/zany family… Not all of us grew up in a sitcom, yknow].
7. Jeez, I was only expressing an interest. Stupid bitch. [Get it right, asshole. I am a SMART BYTCH and I will kick your ass if you say any of the above. Just so we’re clear].

"Pixie is in the process of creating a zine that includes a full transcript of this interview. If you are interested in obtaining a copy, please contact her at pixiessays@shebytches.com"

If you have comments about this article please email us @ comments@shebytches.com.