I
can feel the snot growing in my head and there is nothing
I can do about it. As I sit at my desk typing this, my throat
aches, my eyes hurt and my sinuses are filling up with green
gooey snot. Yes I am getting a head cold! I don't understand
how this could happen. I take my vitamins, eat healthy, dress
according to the weather, but yet... I am still getting a
cold. Sad thing is I can't go home because I only have 2 sick
days left. 2 of the measly 5 we are allotted each year. Apparently
you are only allowed to be sick 5 days out of the 365 days
that each year holds. My company doesn't seem to understand
that the average human gets at least 2 head colds and 1 episode
of the flu each year. That would actually work out to about
10 sick days on average that the average human needs... that
is why I am sitting at my desk... feeling like crap!
I
don't understand how this is possible, how can I be getting
sick? Oh wait, could it be that I am overwhelmed with stress,
would that do it, or the fact that I spent Saturday night
in my back yard and then next door at Beck's drinking wine
till 3 am in the morning? Or could it be because I don't
ever exercise? Maybe it was because I was so angry for several
days in a row that has my immune system on overload. Could
having to deal with idiots and ignorant men on the subway
do it? Could getting angry and having a tantrum over the
fact that one elderly woman had to give her seat up to another
elderly woman, when the three men sitting right beside her
could have. Or the 5 teenage boys that I had to yell at
because they were blocking the train doors on Friday morning.
Could my overwhelming anger have made me sick?
The
problem is I can't get sick, I just can't. There is too
much to do and no way to get around it. I am famous for
taking on more than I can handle, not asking for help and
then panicking and worrying that I won't be able to get
it done. The panic then leads to stress, which then leads
to long, sleepless nights. Thing is this potentially shouldn't
be a problem, if I was only able to use the 8 hours a day
that I spend at my day job to get my work done. Problem
here is that without my day job I can't pay my bills. It's
a vicious cycle.
I
have done this too myself and there is no one else to blame.
I don't take proper vacations. I don't take nights off unless
I am ill. Even then I still work until my eyes fall out
of my head or my partner starts giving me shit for not taking
care of myself. I have to be guilted into actually taking
a break. Why? Why am I like this? Why can't I just relax?
I
will tell you why? I was raised by a man who would go to
work even if he is on his deathbed. I was raised by a man
who has never called in sick a day in his life. Then there
is the fact that I grew up in house where there wasn't the
luxury of being able to stay at home when you were ill.
Both of my parents had to work long hours every day in order
for us to be able to have a roof over our heads and food
on the table. A sick child meant one of them had to take
a day off work. When we were sick, we either had to go to
school ill or we could only be sick for one day and then
we were sent back to school healthy or not. You should have
seen the juggling act that happened when we got chicken
pox. My mother had to call in favours from everyone she
knew so she wouldn't have to take 5 days off work.
It
shouldn't be that way. I shouldn't be sitting here stressing
over the fact that I am getting sick. I should be able to
know that as soon as I go home I can have some soup and
then crawl into bed. But I can't. It's not possible. Even
if I didn't have a business to run, I still have 2 dogs,
a partner, 2 step-children and my elderly mother in law
to take care of. I have bills to pay and a house to take
care of. My life, just like everyone else's is so bloody
complicated. We aren't allowed to slow down, even if we
are ill. That's just wrong!
Getting
sick is our body's way of telling us we have to slow down,
yet we don't listen. I know I'm not. As I'm looking at this
screen; a wave of exhaustion is passing over me. I am literally
having a hell of a time keeping my eyes open. But yet, I
still continue to push myself. I already know that I will
push myself till I end up sitting in my doctor's office,
propped up against the wall weasing like a 100-year-old
chain smoker. I will be given codeine-laced cough syrup,
anti-biotics and a lecture on the fact that I don't take
care of myself. It's the same routine every time. Still
I haven't learned. I haven't listened. So here I am sitting
at my desk as my head fills up with green gooey snot, complaining
that I can't get ill and doing nothing to make it better.
he