The Rules of Dating

Ever notice how many books are out there on how to date, or meet the perfect man.  Ever notice that most of these books are written by men.  Hmm.  I'm sorry but if I want dating advice, I definitely don't want to here it from a man or someone who was recently a guest on Oprah Winfrey.   Somehow I think I would get better advice from my Mother, a woman who has been married for over 40years.  A woman who hasn't been on a date for that same amount of time.  

I agree, there should be some rules around dating.  Dating on its own is frustrating and complicated enough as it is, so what should these rules be? I thought long and hard about what to do about this issue I was having.  What I did was email several people I know and ask them what they thought rules of dating should be.  Below you will find several suggestions from some amazing women who get it!

~~~

Hmm well I never had rules really, more likes and dislikes

For instance I dislike being asked "what are you thinking"

But a definite don't is a man calling me "babe" or "doll" the first date. I find that very disrespectful.

No talking about fighting or macho crap on a first, second or final date.

The man pays, on the first date, plain and simple.

~~~

I think I qualify as having read the most of these types of books of anyone!

There are plenty of shoulds but I like the should NOTs on a first date.

Neither party should admit to alcoholism, personality disorders, a history of abuse, or that they are waiting on the test results of AIDS or a brain tumor. Believe it or not, I DID have someone tell me they thought they might have AIDS on a first date. He turned out not to have a AIDS, but to be a severe hypochondriac!! He always thought he was dying. Mind you, that was a warning sign right there, and I chose to ignore it on the first date. Not for long, mind you!

I think a big one for me: try hard to ignore a person's looks!! Do not make excuses for pretty boys!! And also, don't rule out a guy based on good looks, either. They are sometimes lovely people. I have ended up with a lot of good looking men, simply because most women were afraid of them! Sometimes with good reason, but not always true. 

One big rule is true: don't try too hard. Sweat shows. Don't try to dazzle. Relax, laugh, drink -- but not too much -- and don't sleep with a man on the first date. Not because he won't respect you (he might not, but who wants that man, anyway?) but because it clouds your judgment. If the sex is great you won't notice he's a jerk right away.

~~~

1. Don't presuppose you know your date's sex/gender or what it means to them -- or indeed, what it means to you.

2. A date is not a shopping trip or an ego trip: if you're after gifts, flattery or a corporate presentation, get a job not a partner.

3. The whole idea of a "date" is ridiculous, old-fashioned and a barrier to free and frank communication -- how is going for coffee or a movie with this person any different than doing so with a new friend or colleague? Why is it different?

4. The difference, of course, is sex: do you want to have it? Do they? So be up front -that's what this whole rigmarole is about. Take the guesswork out of it by being honest up front: are you interested in sex?  On that occasion? In the future, after a prolonged getting-to-know-each-other period? No human being likes to be strung along or played with. See if your and desires are compatible.

5. If you can't have a conversation, you can't have a relationship. No matter how many romantic novels you read in which the docile woman eventually gets her strong but silent type, or the eager-to-please woman finally tames the bitter, rude sparring partner, it's not gonna happen in real life. So if you've got stuff to say (and as a Shebytch I imagine you do), bloody well say it. Don't pretend to be insipid, dumb or amused by stupid jokes. 

6. In fact, don't pretend, full stop.

~~

I know most dating dos and don't lists won't tell you this, but, be yourself.  Yes, put in a little effort and brush your teeth and look half presentable, but really... BE YOURSELF.  Even if you are a depressed, desperate loser.... Let it shine!  Some people are into that.  And, for the ones who aren't into it, you won't waste our time by letting us take 6 months to 10 years to find out who you really are.

~~

1. Fork out your half of the bill, especially if you do not plan for anything sexual (even kissing) to happen.  Too many guys think that just because they paid for you, that now you owe them something. Yes, I know there are genuinely nice guys out there, not after "repayment", just be careful.

2. Do not sleep with him until at least the 7th or 8th date (unless that is exactly what you both are looking for).  Get to know someone before having sex (learning someone's sexual history before sleeping with them is important).  Sex can mean different things to different people.  If he thinks you're taking it too slow, then that's his loss.

3. Check out their hygiene.  Does he take good care of his hands?  Did he take time to shave (assuming he's not the handle bar moustache or goatee type) for your date?  Did he make an effort for you?  This goes mainly for the first few dates (and hopefully more). Do you really want to be with someone who has no interest in making an effort for you?

4. I know we are in a modern world and modern times.  That does not mean a guy should slack on chivalry. I don't mean he has to follow you around with a palm leaf fanning you (though that would be nice), but it is polite to have him open the car or restaurant (etc) door for you. And, don't be afraid to do it back for him. If you're walking through two sets of doors and he opens the first door for you, step up and open the second one for him. I've had a lot of surprised but good reactions from this. 

5. If you end up going for alcoholic drinks, do not get drunk the first few dates. Do not gulp down your drinks; sip them.  Be confident enough to decline more drinks. Even if he buys you another drink, you do not have to drink it. Don't be scared to order water as well and drink it in between drinks.

Would you like to add to the list?  If so email me @ carolina@shebytches.com