Mr. Personality

Step right up folks! That’s right, step right up! Get in real close! You don’t want to miss it! Introducing, the one... the only... MR. PERSONALITY! This would be the point in the program where Mr. Personality comes out to the stage and then you hear the crickets sing.

Everyone knows a Mr. Personality. You can’t get away from him no matter how hard you try. As a matter of fact you could be related to one. I have an uncle who is Mr. Personality 1982. He won the title at a family wedding right after the toast he gave. Mr. Personality could also be a neighbor; we all have one on our street or in our apartment or condo complex. Like I said you can’t get away from them and may the gods be with you if you are married to one. I have to deal with one five days a week.

You know those expressions, ‘the personality of a stump’ ‘dull as a butter knife’ ‘I’d have a better conversation with a wall’... If you have ever said any of those things, then you are probably talking about your Mr. Personality. You will recognize him by his vacant stare during conversations, his need to only talk about work or sports, or by the way that he is the only one laughing at his own accounting jokes. Sound familiar yet?

I tend to attract and be attracted to people with extreme personalities. The more extreme and quirkier the better. Life is just way too short to hang around boring people so when I meet someone like Mr. Personality I’m fascinated, intrigued and well... confused. They are like reverse confusing circus freaks and this one confuses me most of all.

Why does he confuse me you ask? I’m confused by the people he hangs out with. Normally they run in packs... or so I thought. From my experience, knowing this makes it much easier for me to avoid them. When they hang out with people with extreme personalities it throws me off and messes up my strategy. By the time I realized there is a Mr. Personality in the crowd it is too late and I am usually trapped.

I’m never good at these types of situations, by now I should have a back up plan or at least a working one. They trap me with their boring small talk and lame questions and I can never figure a way out. So I stumble and say something bizarre, usually embarrassing myself. A friend once told me that I should use this to my advantage, it might throw them off and then I could get away, but I tend to panic and blurt out things like, ‘It’s too bad about the alien baby that Tom and Katy had, I wonder where Mulder and Skully are?’ Then I try running away usually stumbling over my own feet or walk into a door. Somehow this all happens without reaction from Mr. Personality. I am sure he is too busy calculating sports scores or logarithms to have even noticed.

I also have a desire to slap Mr. Personalities. I haven’t yet. I can usually restrain myself but there will come a day when I do. I just need to be able to get a reaction out of them. Acknowledgement that there is a bit of humour or substance between the ears. A sign.... SOMETHING!!! By the end of Thursday I was doing everything in my power to not slap the Mr. Personality I know... I am sitting here writing this trying to talk myself out of slapping him this Tuesday. But of course I won’t, instead I will say something bizarre and fall down when I try to run away. I wonder what Mr. Personality calls me? Do I have a title? A specific name or am I just the weird girl who says strange things and then always falls down when running away. Hmmm...

You can also email me at carolina@shebytches.com.