The Lone Gun

Several months ago, I decided to stop dating. I had ventured through one crappy relationship after another, seemingly dating the same man, the only difference being the packaging. Frustration became the norm in my life and I grew weary of it. I pondered, over-thought, cringed, scratched my head, talked about it till my friends were ready to kill me, stressed, became sad, and then angry. I couldn't figure out why I kept doing this. Why was I dating THE SAME MAN over and over and over? I was putting myself through emotional hell, always blaming the men I was dating, calling them names, saying how terrible they all were and so forth. I'm not saying that some of them didn't deserve the name calling, I've had my share of men cheating on me or lying to me, so trust me they deserved it. Then one morning I had an epiphany. The only constant in this issue was me, and I was done with dating.

When someone else is the issue, it is easier to deal with it. You can either talk and fix it or walk away. In the case of you being your own worst enemy, how does one deal? I can't walk away from myself, trust me, I've tried. You can argue with yourself for days and that just will never be productive. All kidding aside, I had to figure out what to do, because all of the relationships I had been in made me miserable. I know it is common sense that if you are miserable, you are obviously with the wrong person. It seemed I was always with the wrong person though. Each time I would meet someone new there would be a glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe this time things would be different. In the end the results were always the same. I was dating the same guy.

I, like many women have this picture in my head of the perfect guy, the perfect romance and the perfect relationship. Most women will bend and change and customize to make a man fit into her lives. I could do the same, and if I had I would be married with 5 children and living in small town hell. Many of these women who bend, do so because they are terrified of spending their lives alone. Society has brainwashed them into believing that unless they have a man in their lives they aren't whole. I would rather spend my life alone than do that. This of course is another reason why my relationships were not working out.

What sparked me to write this was a conversation I had with a man. A man that was incredibly confused with the fact that I won't date in any sense of the form. The conversation I had with him, did a couple of things for me, such as confirm that I need to break free from men in order to be happy, and it empowered me when I walked away from the conversation because I didn't like the direction it was taking. Even though I had told him that I was no longer dating, he figured that I was just being foolish and should reconsider my decision. Being empowered means that I am completely in control of my life and situations that arise in my world. After the conversation I said to myself, no wonder all my friends are single. Then I realized, with the exception of one female friend, they aren't. I listed to myself every one of my friends and they are all in relationships, I'm the odd woman out.

Being the odd woman out isn't a bad thing here. It's a good thing. I stopped dating to help myself heal from all the emotional bullshit I have had to endure from broken relationships. I stopped dating to break the pattern of dating the same man over and over. I stopped dating because it was making me unhappy. I have so many great things going on in my life and I have astoundingly large plans for myself. Being with someone and dealing with the stresses of a relationship is only going to distract me from the things I need to do to reach my goals.

If, down the road I decide to date again, I have to make sure I have broken the pattern and healed myself. I am not sure that I will ever get past my trust issues with men, that is also a big factor in all of this, but I do know that I am going to build myself a whole new set of standards. The most important thing that has come out of all of this though, I have come to realize, I'm ok with going it alone. I'm ok spending the rest of my life single. I have friends and family who adore me, two cuddly dogs that I snuggle up with every night and a career that makes me happy. I have never had any desire to marry or have children and have taken care of myself since I was young. If I can never figure out how to fit a relationship into the mix, it ain't so bad. I can be alone and happy, or in a relationship and constantly trying to figure out how to make self and the other person happy. Looking back at the past and looking forward at my future, I'd much rather be the Lone Gun.