Sometimes you just gotta say ‘What the Fuck! ’

Ever see the John Cusack movie called Better Off Dead. The premise of the movie is John Cusack’s girlfriend leaves him for the school jock and he is so upset that he tries to kill himself... unsuccessfully. There is a scene in the movie where he throws his hands up in the air and yells. Sometimes you just gotta say ‘What the fuck.” After the hellish week I’ve had... I’m about to throw my arms up.

Wednesday morning I stopped to help a woman in distress. She was biking along and somehow her shoelace got caught in her pedal and gears... when this happened she wiped out and got tangled up in her bike. At least half a dozen men saw what happened and walked right by her. They looked at her and did NOTHING! Similarly on my birthday I was being harassed verbally and followed by a homeless man. Twice I had to yell at him to leave me alone or I was calling the cops and NO ONE, asked if I need help. I had to finally go into a coffee shop and was about to call the police when I then got into it with a man, in the shop, who said to me 'oh buy the poor guy a coffee already'. I had it out with him as well. He assumed I was the problem. The people around me looked at me like I was the crazy one. I'm afraid to know what would have happened had he assaulted me. Am sure no one would have helped then either.

I am so tired of the shitty men of this city. The way they treat women is disgusting. I know there are a few good ones out there... but considering how many bad ones!!! And not that men are going to be any less shitty in another city, I feel it is time for my next big change. I need to move out of this city. I've been thinking about it for a while and I think the time is getting near. Nothing is keeping me here. I do have some real-estate to sell and some debt to pay off once the sale is complete. And it seems the Gods are sending me messages left right and centre, as my job may also become obsolete soon. The time is near for me to make my big break. I am strongly considering either Montreal or New York City. I've have a strong desire to live in both places. As for Montreal, my cousin and a very close friend both live there, so I wouldn't be completely on my own. Living in New York would be a dream for me. So once I have all my financial stuff taken care of and after my trip to Scotland, I need to start working on a plan to move in 2008.

As you can tell it was a rough morning. It had been since I woke up. Part in parcel because I didn't sleep well. I have something weighing on me that I need to deal with. I need to speak up about something, but am having a hard time. Unless I get angry I can't express what I feel and am having issues with that right now. I know I need to just come out and say what I want to say, but to avoid disappointment or possible hurt... I keep it bottled up. I let it eat away at me and put on that 'oh everything is just fine' face. It seems the only person on the face of the earth that gets past that is Anna... She keeps telling me to just do something or say something and get it over with and deal. I think it's time to take the really big leap of faith. Hopefully I land on my feet... and not my ass.

Something changed today though. Something made me realize good things are going to happen. Something that made me throw my hands up and go ‘What the fuck.’ Today I saw a girl formerly known as ‘cult girl’ and she was radiating. This was the first time I saw her happy and she had a great reason. She was now a mother. It’s been over a year since I saw her last. She seemed dark, sad and lost. Today she glowed when she told me about her angel. She had the biggest smile I’ve ever seen. After we talked I leaned over the table and said to her ‘I’m glad you are so happy.’ As we walked away I knew that everything in the world was going to be ok. I now know I need to take that leap of faith. I need to throw my arms up and go ‘What the fuck.’