You Too

At this very moment U2’s greatest hits are coming through my apartment wall from next door. I presume that my neighbour is depressed about the band postponing their Australian tour and considers playing the CD at full volume some kind of homage or compensation. I, on the other hand, consider it to be complete fucking agony. I all but jumped for joy when I heard U2 weren’t coming to Australia because it meant that the radio and news wouldn’t be smothered with their crap music and lame press conferences. Alas, here I am being treated to muffled renditions of ‘With or Without You’ and ‘Desire’. Shoot me.

I’ve has a deep-seeded aversion to U2 ever since I was nine years old. At an assembly in fourth grade- circa 1993 or so- my best friend came up to me and said "Mum says we’re going to see Madonna in concert". I writhed with jealousy before she added "And you too". Oh my god! Her parents were going to take me to see Madonna?! Long story short, it turned out that by "you too" she actually meant "U2". As in "I’m going to see Madonna and U2 and you’re not coming to either". Hmph. I therefore associate the band with complete disappointment and dejection, albeit somewhat unfairly.

I also harbour a complete contempt for Bono. In addition to the lame colour-lensed glasses I’ve never seen him without, I take it as a personal affront that someone who owns a castle and a private jet has the audacity to tell me what to do with my meagre amounts of money. Sure, it’s easy for him to say that we Westerners throw all our money away on shit when there’s ten billion people dying in the time it takes to click your fingers, but he’s not eating two-minute noodle for dinner five nights a week because it’s the only thing he can afford. And this may just be an unfair assumption, but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have to make the tough decision between putting petrol in his car or paying the rent on his mansion in the south of France. Those of us who do find ourselves in such predicaments (French mansion not withstanding) actually have to consider these things before we start giving our "wasted" money away.

Perhaps I’m being a bit harsh on the poor man. After all, he did raise a tonne of money with Live Aid all those years ago and I’m sure the starving people of Africa really appreciated it when 100% of that money was intercepted by their government and used to fuck them over some more. Not that it was a complete waste of time; the event created great media coverage for all the selfless "entertainers" who dedicated their time and effort to the cause, thus upping their public appeal and thus upping their record sales. Good work.

Last but not least, I just can’t take any band seriously when it consists of a member who refers to himself by his own nickname. What exactly does "The Edge" mean, anyway? It sounds like some early-90’s saying from Bill and Teds Excellent Adventure: "Whoa, dude, that guys on The Edge. Awesome". Come to think of it, what the fuck’s a "Bono"? Maybe it’s a title that holds extreme spiritual significance…something he picked up at one of those photo- op-disguised-as-charity-event he’s so fond of.

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