The
Pitfalls of Music History
When
I was driving home yesterday I felt a very strong urge to
veer into the oncoming traffic. Why? Because three of my
five most hated songs of all time were played in succession
on the radio. So because my life has been particularly uneventful
this week and I have no new gripes about anything, I’ve
decided that now is as good a time as any to share the chosen
five…
- American
Pie by Don McLean.
I
love Madonna and have a tendency to embrace nearly everything
she does no matter how crap it is, but even her rendition
of this woeful song wasn’t enough to make me tolerate
it. As soon as I hear the opening line "A long long
time ago…" I’m overcome with suicidal urges
and have to refrain from ripping my radio out of the dashboard
and throwing it out the window. I know it’s supposed
to be one of the "classics" and a stunning tribute
to Rock n’ Roll history but I simply don’t hear
it that way. Rather, I hear it as an unbearably tedious
and lengthy diatribe that’s about as interesting
as a piece of wood, and I will die a happy woman if I
never hear it again for as long as I live.
- Hotel
California by The Eagles
I
think my hatred of this song stemmed from having to hear
my completely tone-deaf high school choir sing it at a
school assembly. Twice. Before that it was just another
boring baby-boomer jingle I was happy to ignore, but since
then it has become one of the many banes of my existence.
Apparently a lot of people have had a lot of fun coming
up with various interpretations of what is meant by such
lines as "warm smell of colitis", the most interesting
of which is the suggestion that the whole song is about
being locked in a mental institution. But even if it is
a tale about one man’s stay at a psychiatric facility,
I fail to find that reasonable grounds for it being played
on the radio seven hundred times a day by every station
there is.
- The
Hurricane by Bob Dylan
I’ve
made several attempts in my life to learn to appreciate
Bob Dylan but aside from that one "Everybody must
get stoned" song I seem to have failed miserably.
I think I’d be more successful at the task if even
one of his songs came in under three hours and fifty seven
minutes or if he didn’t have a voice that reminds
me of cats being skinned with a cheese grater. The reason
why The Hurricane stands out above the rest is because
it’s the one I hear the most; every movie about racial
prejudice seems to cast it as its theme song and aside
from that one Denzel Washington effort, I just don’t
see the point.
- Smells
Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana
I
used to love this song when I was an anti-social fifteen
year old who liked nothing better than to sit in her room
and brood about how shitty life is, but like all things
from that period it’s become an annoying memento
of times gone by. No doubt it is a good song, but I fail
to see why it’s considered to be the one overawing
highlight of Nirvana’s career. I personally believe
that there are at least twenty other Nirvana songs that
far surpass this one in terms of greatness, so perhaps
I’m just bitter that the world doesn’t seem
to share my view.
- The
Tide Is High by Blondie
I
think that Deborah Harry is one of the coolest and most
beautiful women ever to exist. I love her and I love Blondie,
but I loathe and despise this song. It reminds me of one
of those lame jingles that get played in the background
of television commercials for cheap Fijian holiday packages,
probably because it’s slow and monotonous and a far
cry from the genius that is Hanging on the Telephone or
One Way or Another. I can’t imagine what was going
through their minds when they recorded this song…I
don’t recall a period in music history when "Cheesy
Caribbean" was a popular genre.
Compiling
this list has made me realise that there are dozens and
dozens of songs that I just can’t stand and I really
feel as though (Tell Me Why) I Don’t Like Mondays by
Bob Geldof and any song ever performed by Sting should be
on this list. Nevertheless, now you know how to put me in
a completely foul mood if you ever feel the need to do so.
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at lauren@shebytches.com
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