Honesty
is Bogus
In
the past three days I’ve heard four separate people
proclaim that "Honesty is always the best policy" (by "people"
I mean movie people, which explains why they’re talking
in clichés). I agree that honesty is indeed the best
policy in your more important matters, but what if you applied
the catchphrase to everyday life? I decided to conduct an
experiment to find out. Yesterday, as I was going about
my daily tasks, I made a mental note of all the times I
chose to bite my tongue and exercise politeness over honesty.
First
stop was the petrol station. I absolutely abhor having to
put petrol in my car because I’m old enough to remember
when the guy used to come out and do it for you. Therefore,
I am rather bitter whenever I go inside to pay…
Attendant:
"Good morning, how are you?"
Honest
Me: "Lazy and annoyed that I have to get out of my car".
Actual
Me: "Fine"
Attendant:
"That’ll be $20. So what are your plans for today?"
Honest
Me: "None of your goddamn business, stalker".
Actual
Me: "Not much. I’m on holidays".
Attendant:
"Okay, have a nice day".
Honest
Me: "Shut Up. You need to invest in some Clearasil".
Actual
Me: "You too".
Second
stop was the library. I’d reserved a book about six
years ago and finally got a call saying it was ready to
be picked up. Never mind that everyone’s already told
me what it’s about, I’ve already seen the film
adaptation and reading the book is now pretty much pointless…
Library
Man: "Okay, so you’ve got a book to pick up? I’ll
just go grab it".
Honest
Me: "Well that’s your job. Now move it".
Actual
Me: "Okay".
Library
Man: "This one’s really good. Do you know much about
it?"
Honest
Me: "Go fuck yourself, smarmy".
Actual
Me: "Yeah, kind of".
Library
Man: "Oh, I can see on the computer that you’ve been
reading a lot of books lately. Anything good?"
Honest
Me: "No, because your shithouse library hasn’t had
anything new since 1976. Perhaps you should contemplate
spending some money on updating your crap collection rather
than redecorating the place in hideous earth tones".
Actual
Me: "Nothing that great".
Library
Man: "Okay, here’s your receipt. Enjoy the book and
have a lovely day".
Honest
Me: "Why is everyone who works here either hideously obese
or scarily underweight?"
Actual
Me: "You too".
Last
stop was the supermarket. After waiting in line at the check
out for twenty minutes (read: I was in a very bad mood)
I shuffled forward and started to unpack my groceries onto
the conveyer belt…
Check
Out Chick: "Hi, how are you today?"
Honest
Me: "Pissed off. Can’t you work a bit faster?"
Actual
Me: "Hi, good".
Check
Out Chick: "It’s really hot out there today isn’t
it?"
Honest
Me: "Who cares? Just scan my stuff so I can go home".
Actual
Me: "Yep".
Check
Out Chick: "That comes to $20.35. Do you have Fly Bys?"
Honest
Me: "No I fucking don’t. Shut up, take my money and
let me go home!"
Actual
Me: "No".
Check
Out Chick: "Have a nice day".
Honest
Me: "Whatever. You’re hair looks shit and I can see
your bra through your shirt".
Actual
Me: "Okay, you too".
As
I have clearly demonstrated, honesty is not in fact always
the best policy. Those Hollywood scriptwriters have been
lying to us (duh?). I suppose one could argue that my understanding
of the word "honesty" kind of intersects with what most
people would call complete rudeness and vulgarity but, to
be honest, I don’t really give shit. So there.
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he