::Shebytches::

Carrie (she asked us not to use her real name, as well all of the other names have been changed) 17 year old young woman from New York city. She will be writing an online journal sharing what is happening in her life. She is going to try to send us stuff daily, so check back often to see what is new.

January 1, 2003

Hi Everyone, it has been quite a while since I have written anything. These last few months have been very hard without Nana and Christmas was the worst. Mom is still very depressed, we decided not to have a regular Christmas, instead and in spite of the weather, we spent a good part of the day at the cemetery. Some might think that is morbid. We didn't. Mom didn't want Nana to be alone. When we got home there was a note on our door from Roma telling us to come to her apartment. When we got there, there was a huge Christmas dinner and presents. Roma's Mom went all out for us. She has been very supportive, it has helped Mom a lot. I also turned 18 on December 8th. The day came and went. It is funny way back in April, Mom was going on and on about how we would have a big celebration on my 18th birthday. But, the day was actually completely forgotten. Roma didn't forget though, but...I asked her not to say anything to Mom, I understood why it was forgotten and I didn't want to make her feel bad.

School is going to be done in a few months. I really want to get into NYU, I am going to study Journalism. I don't want to move away, I need to be with Mom and I have no intentions of ever leaving this city. Considering everything, I have been able to keep my grades up.

Normally we would have went to Times Square for the New Years celebration. This year we sat at home and watched it on TV. I wish that everyone has a great new year!

October 21, 2002
Hey all, sorry I have been away. It has been a really rough few months. Nana passed away on October 1st. She had a stroke. She was a fighter right to the end. This has been really hard. Especially for Mom. They fought like crazy but they were also each others best friend. My Mom cries every day. Her boss told her to take off as much time as she needs. I have been trying to keep as sane as possible. Mom is pushing me to go to school everyday. I will be applying for College soon and she doesn't want this to stop me. I am still having a really hard time with all of this. The part that gets to me the most is the not knowing. The not knowing what really happens to us after we die. What is really out there, if anything. Roma and her mom have been awesome. They are at our place everyday making sure we are ok.

I am sure you are all wondering how Sheri is doing. Not well...not well at all. She tried killing herself, while she was still in the hospital. She is severely depressed and will be in the hospital for some time. I have tried to visit her, but they won't allow us. She is not in a state of mind to take visitors. I have written a few letters, but, I am not sure if she gets them.

I am going to end here. This is all of the energy I have in me right now. I am going to start writing on a regular basis again. It helps to do this.

September 6, 2002

Carrie will be on hiatus for a few more weeks, her Nana has taken a turn for the worse and the new school year has started. Once she is up to it, she will continue to write.

August 9, 2002

I am really sorry I haven't written in a while. It has been a hard couple of weeks. Sheri tried to committed suicide. Turns out she was screaming for help when she was treating us all so bad. It turns out her family is really screwed up and instead of helping her they made her out to be the awful person. They made her think that every thing was her fault. Mom keeps telling me that it wasn't my fault, I tried to be her friend, but it still hurts. Sheri got a hold of some of her moms sleeping pills. She will be in the hospital for a while. She is in the psyche ward, under suicide watch. She told the doctor that she will still try to kill herself. We are now hearing all of these awful things about her parents. I cannot write them, because it is really painful for me to repeat it and to protect Sheri, I cannot do it. I am afraid someone who knows her will figure out who I am talking about and make life harder for her. I am struggling with whether or not I should visit her. I know she is very angry right now and I don't want to make her more upset.

July 26, 2002

Don't get me wrong. I am glad to have a job and even more glad that it is at the law firm that my mom works at, but, the people I work with are all very weird. One of them is this really old guy, who mumbles when he talks and yells at you when you talk to him. He is well past the age to retire but he won't. Then there is the reading guy. He reads as he does his work, and doesn't get in trouble for it. Then there is the lady who picks her nose and wipes it everywhere. I try not to touch anything she has been near. Funny thing is we are required to wear rubber gloves. I still don't touch anything she was near. There is a really cute guy who work there, he is in his early twenties. At first I thought this would be my salvation. Nope! He is obsessed with Star Trek and is saving up his money so he can go to Los Angles to meet William Shatner. Oh well, summer is 1/2 over and for the first time, I am actually glad! Nana is still in the hospital, she is still very ill from the infection that started in her leg. She is getting better but very slowly. I am so very worried about her.

July 17, 2002

So, Mom and I are working away doing the finishing touches to Nana's room and the rearranging of the apartment and guess who shows up at the door. Sheri. You see, she decided it was necessary to come to my house and tell me how awful a person I was and that I ruined her life. That is right I ruined it (sarcasm). I am the one who got dumped not her. But, yet, I ruined her life. I lost it. She was now on my turf, there was no backing down. So I let in to her. This is how it went down.
Me "How the fuck do you think I ruined your life? I was always a good friend who was there for you no matter what. I am not the one who lead you down the wrong path, that was Lina"
Sheri "Shut the fuck up cunt..."
Me "No you are the one who needs to shut the fuck up and get over your self, you are the one who ruined your own life, you let Lina convince you to be in her club you needed to spread your legs. I am not the one who got you pregnant and I am not the one who made you have an abortion."
Sheri "How dar...."
Me "The only person to blame is your self. You are stupid and selfish"
This is where my Mom comes up behind me and asks what is going on. This snap out of my rage had me realized that every door in our hallway is open and people are gathering.
Mom " I asked what is going on?"
Sheri is standing looking at me and then around, she is white as a ghost with tears welling up.
Me " Sheri decided to come over to let me know how I ruined her life"
Mom "Sheri, I think you need to go home, you have caused enough trouble for one night. If you like I will call your Mom to let her know what just took place. Maybe you could also explain to her how Carrie ruined your life. Carrie was a good friend to you and you threw it away.
Silence
Mom "Sheri, you should go home. If you like I can call one of your parents to pick you up"
Sheri "They wouldn't give a fuck anyway!" Then this is where she stormed away.
Mom apologized to the neighbors and we went back into the apartment. I was still furious. She made me sit down and got me a wet cloth, told me to put it on the back of my neck and breath. Not only do we have the stress of Nana being sick, this heatwave, preparing the apartment, but Sheri had to do this. I am really convinced that she is completely mental!

July 13, 2002
Well, Nana is still in the hospital. The infection in her leg has not gotten better, it has gotten worse. She is on intervenious. The doctors are checking it constantly. They are making sure it doesn't get gaingreen (don't know if I spelled that right). Mom says if that happens Nana might lose her leg. I really wish she would get better, I am very worried about her and I really miss her.

July 5, 2002
I am so sorry for not writing in my journal. It has been really crazy these last couple of weeks. End of school exams! I got all A's, yeh me! Mom is so happy!!! Mom and I have been working on converting the office into Nana's room. We had to move her bedrooms stuff down and put a bunch of her stuff into our storage. Nana is very upset that she has to give up her apartment, but it is for her own good. She understands that, but she has lived in that apartment for decades. We have also had to rearrange the apartment so that we can set the office up. The corner our our dining room has been taken over. Nana is still in the hospital, when she broke her leg it was a compound fracture. She has an infection in the cut in her leg and it is not going away as fast as it should. Since she was sick not that long ago, her body isn't as strong as it use to be. Hopefully I will be able to write more in the next few days. I am tired...I need to get some sleep.

June 22, 2002

If things couldn't get any worse they just did. We just spent most of last night in the hospital. Nana, being the stubborn woman that she is, decided to take her own garbage out, she could have called us, or anyone of our neighbors, but NOOOOOOOO! She had to do it herself. Guess what! She fell down the back steps and broke her leg. She will be in the hospital for a few days because she also hit her head, cut it and has a concussion. The doctor was really mad at her. He said that if she keeps being so stubborn, she will have to give up her apartment and live somewhere where she can be watched 24/7. Mom doesn't want her in a seniors apartment, so she has talked to our landlord, they will probably rent out Nana's apartment and she will come to live with us. Mom has already assured me that we will be moving the stuff out of the 3rd bedroom/office. There is a corner in the living room that is where Mom has her sewing machine. She will move it to her bedroom and we will set the office up there. Nana is not going to be happy knowing she will need to give up her apartment. She has lived there for a very long time, but, this is for her own good.

There is tons of Sheri gossip. Her parents forced her to have an abortion. She isn't coming to school any more. She was allowed to take her exams in the principals office and work in the hallways is she won't be coming back next year. Her parents are sending her to another school. She use to be a nice person until she started hanging out with Lina. What happened to her?

Gotto go, mom and I are going to visit Nana.

June 12, 2002

Hi everyone, I am so sorry I haven't written, it has been craziness with studying and taking exams! I hate June!!!, but school is almost over. I got a job in the mail room at Mom's office over the summer. I know, it isn't Journalism, but it pays ok and I get to see my Mom more. Plus there is this really cute guy that works in my Mom's building and I am totally in love with him. Stay tuned, I will try and write an update this weekend!!!

May 31, 2002

So, I am now feeling better! My bronchitis is almost gone. So I have alot to catch you up on.

Nana is getting better too. She is still in the hospital and will be for a while. Mrs. Randall will be staying with Nana again during the day to make sure she doesn't over do it. The doctor says it will be ok for Nana to stay in her apartment because of this. Nana is very stubborn and independent and would fight having a live in nurse.

I have decided that I want to become a journalist. Mom is totally cool with that. Roma, also found out today, that I am writing this online journal. I thought she would be mad at me for not telling her, but she thinks this is totally cool and read it all about 10 times.

Latest news from school. One of Roma's brothers is friends with one of Sheri's cousins. It is true that Sheri is pregnant. However, she hasn't been at school for couple of days, we heard that her family made her get an abortion and that is why she is absent. I know I should feel bad for her, but I don't. She treated me so badly this last little while. I did nothing to her, but, because she was influenced by another, I became the enemy. I don't think I will ever understand this.

I am starting to get very stressed out over what is happening in India/Pakistan. It is all over the news. I really hope they don't go to a full out war. The news is saying a nuclear war is possible. A nuclear war wouldn't just affect them. It will affect the entire world. It also won't solve the problem. No one wins in a nuclear war. Do they think that they will make the problems they have with each other go away by wiping out countries. What about the innocent people who will die. Why can't countries work their differences out by talking? This really scares me. It scares me so much that I get stomach aches. Mom tells me not to think about, it, but, it is everywhere I look.

May 30, 2002

Today was the ceremony at ground zero to officially mark the end of recovery. We had a few moments of silence at school for it. We were fortunate, that we didn't loose any immediate family, but, we are touched by someone who was. I hope nothing like this ever happens again.

May 24, 2002

Whew! Nana is doing much better now and might be able to leave the hospital in the next couple of weeks. The doctor said, that she will need someone to look after her, because if she gets sick again, she might die. Mom is feeling much better because of this. She can finally breathe again. School has taken a turn for the worse again. Sheri is being an absolute psycho, she came up to Roma and I called us stupid whores and tried to spit on me. Unfortunately her aim was off and she hit Roma. Roma lost it. Fortunately a guy in Roma's History class grabbed her and held her off. If Roma gets in to a fight one more time, she will be kicked out of school. Turns out, and this is only a rumour, but I am on the path to confirm it. Sheri is pregnant.....stayed tuned to find out more!

May 19, 2002

Ummmmm....I watched the X-files series finale and I was extremely disappointed! I don't get it, that really sucked. A total cop out. I needed to do something to get everything that is happening right now off my mind for a while and all it did was make me angry. I guess they ended it the way they did because they want to do movies, but....My cousin called us to see how Nana is doing and they told us it was snowing in Albany, (New York). It is May, it shouldn't be snowing!!! Nana is still the same. The doctor said that is a good thing, she is stable now, but she isn't improving though. The stress of this is really hard on mom. Everyone seems to be more worried about me. They are constantly asking me how I am doing. I am not sure what to tell them.

May 16, 2002

I am feeling better and was able to go to school yesterday. I was finally able to see Nana today. I had to wear a surgical mask though. She didn't look good at all. She had troubles talking for very long and when she did she had this really bad rattle. Her voice was all raspy. The doctor said she is going to be there for quite a while and this time she won't be going home until she is 100%. Mom said we are lucky because she has really good hospital coverage from work. If not we would be screwed! Mom is once again working long hours. She is going get sick again and then end up in the hospital like Nana. I am not sure if it is because I am sick or not, but I am so depressed. Roma has been awesome over these last couple of weeks, she has been bringing me books and magazines to keep my mind off of everything and she has been trying to cheer me up. The last 2 days at school have been a total blur though. I did school work while I was sick, so I am not behind, but, it all seemed really weird today. It was like everything was in slow motion and I cannot think straight. I know it is still early, but I am signing off. I am going to go to bed. I need to have more energy for tomorrow. We are having a history test tomorrow on the Civil War. Good thing about having my books with me while I was sick, is I memorized (literally) everything there is to know.

May 12, 2002

I won't be writing much today. I am still really ill with bronchitis and the doctor has given me a cough medicine with codeine in it. I sleep alot! Nana is still not doing well. She has actually gotten worse. I still haven't been allowed to see her because I am ill. Mom cries almost all of the time now. She is going back to work tomorrow and she feels really guilty that she cannot spend all of her time in the hospital with Nana. I really wish I could be there with Nana too. Why did I have to get sick! Why now!!!

May 9, 2002

I am really sorry for not writing all week. I have been really ill with bronchitis and Nana has been really ill. As I mentioned in my last entry, she is in the hospital. She has pneumonia and is on oxygen. I haven't been able to see her because I am sick. I am so worried about her. I am really scared that she will die. I don't know what we will do without her. She has been everything to me and Mom. This has been really hard.

May 3, 2002

I am really sorry for not writing all week. It has been a really rough week. I have been at home sick the last 2 days but, I didn't feel up to writing. Not just because I am sick (with a really bad cold), but both Mom and Nana are also sick. Nana had a relapse of the flu and is in the hospital again. Mom is really upset with herself. She keeps blaming herself. She says that she shouldn't have let Nana come into the apartment until we were better. Yesterday Nana started have breathing problems and Mom had to call an ambulance. It turns out she has pneumonia again. We cannot even visit her right now because we have colds. Mom was off work all week because of it and Nana kept coming over to make sure we are ok. But, to top everything else off, Roma is acting really weird around me. First she was really quiet and then Wed she was avoiding me. I went up to her apartment, but her mom said she wasn't home. I called later Wed night, yesterday and today. I kept getting told she wasn't home and I left messages for her to call me. I don't know what is wrong. I don't think I did anything to make her mad. I have been a really good friend to her. Why is everything falling apart. I am so afraid that Nana is going to get really sick and die and I seem to be loosing all of my friends. Am I such an awful person? Why is this happening?

to see more of Carrie's Journal go here.