Plenty of Fish -- a free online dating site
By Jean Smith

User Name: dimorphic:
I am looking for a man around my age who would like to consider the possibilities of a romantic partnership -- an ongoing, happy, sexy situation that pleases both people -- a monogamous relationship. I have no kids, no mortgage, no problems (I intend on keeping it that way).

I went for "coffee" Saturday morning. I'd instigated things. He'd basically shown very little interest. The night before "coffee" I emailed to ask if he still wanted to meet, since he had been on PoF from very early to very late that day. He didn't respond. I went to the date with no expectations, irritated that I was going to meet someone who hadn't shown much interest, but after all, I'd approached him. We had a nice enough talk -- nothing romantic. He didn't say what he was looking for -- basically it turned out better than I'd expected and in the end I told him I'd like to spend some more time with him. He responded favourably, but later that day, he was back on PoF. No comment from him about seeing me again. Sunday I emailed him to acknowledge that it seemed like he was looking for something else. His response to my email was -- hey, no prob, maybe see you around the neighbourhood. I emailed back with some frustration, asking, "Can I ask what that was? Did you just want a coffee? Were you ever interested in me?" No reply.

Evidently there's a new cultural phenomenon -- people on these sites go for coffee to boost their egos. This is how they cobble together a social life -- no goal of a relationship. It's like going to a job interview when there is no job -- the employer wants to have a lot of women sitting across from him behaving politely.

I'd arrived at 9:30 AM (long walk in the rain) to ask him all about himself, and I guess that was very nice for him, having coffee with a woman who was interested in him.

I am getting used be called names by creeps -- is that a good thing? Today a guy called me a bimbo -- based on my sexy photos. Odd and cowardly. I guess he doesn't have a very big... vocabulary.
On Plenty of Fish men talk back to sexy photos -- nasty, semi-illiterate, one-liners based in hatred and frustration -- a cultural bi-product of a society that uses women's bodies to sell cars, magazines, porn. Is it just unacceptable for a woman to show what her body looks like unless it is in an ad?

My body is forty-seven years old and it works-out five times a week. My body has been lifting weights for twenty-five years. As we approach International Women's Day on March 8 -- how much progress has there been in the way men relate to women? Mecca Normal will be performing that night at the Indie Music Video Festival http://www.imvf.com in Vancouver -- included in our set, a song we wrote in the mid-eighties:

I Walk Alone
I go downtown, I go out alone, I walk alone, but I'm not alone in my home. I walk alone. And I walk and I walk and I walk and I walk alone. This city's my home, but I'm not alone, this city's my home and I walk alone in my home -- wearing whatever the fuck I want to -- I walk alone.

A short film I made for our song "Attraction is Ephemeral" will be screened the same night -- I used my online dating self-portraits, the same sort of photos I put on PoF. I am very old to be posing like this, and there is a political aspect to speak about. These photos do not arrive without context -- they are part of my profile, in relation to my written perspectives. I am publicly known as a cultural activist. I have participated in underground art and music for over twenty years. I am very used to showing my art and writing, and performing in public -- for me, being on a public site is quite a different thing than it is for people who find it awkward to construct a profile. I have a life built around self-expression on political and personal topics.

There is something empowering to be my age, taking sexy self-portraits. I decide how they are used. I can put them up or remove them. In a way, I wonder if this is the crux of what bugs some men on PoF -- I control how I represent myself. I am not a victim. I cannot be dismissed as a bimbo.

I began doing self-portraits in watercolour as a young teenager -- I have shown a series of thirty or so paintings from ages thirteen to forty, at music and art events. The photo self-portraits are an extension of my nearly thirty-five year practice -- the photos show a confident woman who takes care of her body. I am happy with my body. I believe that is an attractive quality. I am comfortable in my own skin -- a happy and content woman. I have lots of wrinkles from laughing my head off for years and about twelve grey hairs.

Earlier this week I was communicating with a guy who wrote to say he'd had a crush on me in the 80s when he saw Mecca Normal perform in Toronto. It felt nice to have someone on PoF know a bit about me. He was very complimentary and then he suggested coffee, and that seemed ok, but then I realized I didn't know much about him and he knew rather a lot about 'who I am'. I suggested a time for coffee and asked him three questions: do you always wear a kilt? What part of town do you live in? Do you have a car? He answered the kilt question, but not the other two. He didn't confirm the coffee time. I had to go to work, so I wrote, "I don't know quite what to make of you not answering those two questions. Let's communicate more before meeting." He didn't reply and then I noticed he'd removed me from his pile of favourites on PoF. I wrote to say I misunderstood his coffee idea -- and that if it was just a friendly coffee then it would seem weird that I'd asked about where he lived etc. I added that I was really only meeting with men I may want to have a relationship with and, you know, sorry for the confusion and good luck. He wrote back to say that "most men" find it very unappealing when women have advanced agendas and that "most women" don't understand this.
 
I told him I wasn't crazy about being told how "most" men and women think and wished him good luck and sorry for my weighty agenda. He tried to get things on track, but really, I felt too much like a woman with an agenda -- so that was that. I didn't have any more questions I wanted to ask him.

A guy wrote to tell me I was verbose. He included a list of his interests and said if I was going to respond I should 'keep it short'.

Another guy wrote, "One can cannot allow a female such as yourself pass by without reaching out to attempt to alter your choices." 

Turned out advanced agenda guy did not have a car, so perhaps his reaction was more about his frustration. I hit a nerve. I am wary when a person (a man) blames someone else (me) for their (his) emotions.

I would like to avoid the issues that I feel I have already examined and moved beyond. I anticipate, when I do encounter a suitable partner, that much fun and satisfaction will be available to us both on whatever terms we decide.

Here's a fantasy I have: My man arrives to pick me up after work. We hug. We kiss. We get in his car. Stop to pick up a pizza. Go to my place. Have wild sex and a jacuzzi. Does that make me a superficial person?

Jean Smith hold the copyright to the article and the photo attached. Used with permission.

Jean Smith is the singer in Mecca Normal (Kill Rock Stars) -- the guitar and voice duo has released 16 CDs in their 20 year history of cultural activism. Jean is the author of two published novels -- this material is an excerpt from an her next book. www.myspace.com/meccanormal