It’s that time of year when things start changing. The trees are beginning their descent into hibernation; the cleansing winds are picking up to make way for the cold silence of winter. I feel the change everywhere I turn, from the necessity of a scarf to the crispness in the air when I breathe. Nothing is untouched by the coming of a new season. Everything changes. That’s the wonder of nature, the reason why we are filled with awe everytime we see the fury unleashed when She is out of balance.
I am out of balance, as is evident by the way I’m writing. I haven’t been able to get a good night’s sleep in forever. My mind keeps showing me things, feeding me dreams that I don’t understand and can’t reveal for fear of being labeled again. But, I have decided that to stay silent is the wrong thing to do, and that I should tell what I have seen.
Scared? I am. I don’t like seeing things that disappear into the air. I prefer to read tarot cards and my horoscope in the paper. This has brought me to a whole new level in my personal search for spirituality.
I don’t believe in Christianity. I have seen things done in the name of God that frighten me, and I will not believe in such a bloodthirsty deity as Him. The thought of one God lording over us and watching our every move yet not helping is disturbing to me. I can believe in the concept of God, the image of a force beyond us that can show us things and guide our paths. I refuse to accept anything that does make sense to me, and a deity that is unbalanced does not make sense.
The concept of yin and yang makes sense to me, so I apply that to my religious beliefs and become labeled a Wiccan. I am not Wiccan, I do not belong to a coven or dance naked under a full moon. Not because I don’t feel the pull, but because I live in downtown Toronto and that kind of behavior would attract the wrong kind of attention. Funny how we feel the need to put a name to things rather than just let them be.
I had the most intense dream last night. I kept waking up feeling frustrated trying to remember what I had seen. I’d close my eyes and fall right back into the dream. I began to pick up small details which led me to believe it was some sort of past life experience. I was on a battlefield waiting to fight. I was scared to death, and kept trying to figure out a way to leave without being killed. I knew that I was going to die, and I was hoping that it would be a good death.
I felt the weight of the armor on my shoulders, the strength of the sword in my hand and the wind swept through my hair. I watched the other side and waited. When the battle horn sounded, we surged forward. A man came before me and swiped at me with his sword. I kicked him square in the chest and just as I was about to take off his head I realized I didn’t have to do this.
I woke up feeling like I’d missed something. I went over it again and again in my head. I finally went back to sleep, and fell back into my dream. This time though, I was nervous and anxious about the fight. I didn’t want to do it; I was terrified to the point of wetting myself when the horn sounded. Again with the man, again with the kick and then…
Now I was getting kind of angry. What the fuck is going on? Why am I seeing these things? Why can I smell the trampled grass under my feet? I went back to sleep. This time I was determined to find out.
I’m standing there waiting, and I begin to fix my armor. I turn to the guy beside me and ask him if I’ve done it properly. HE CAN"T SEE ME!!!!! That’s it! That’s the key, that’s what I’ve been missing all along! I’m not really there in human form.
When the battle begins this time, I drop my sword and spread my hands wide. The air turns white, and numb hands drop their weapons. Now they see me as I truly am. And they run in fear, feet kicking up dirt and grass, tripping over each other in their panic.
So what am I? I don’t know. I have a new quest.

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