"On Living Bravely"
 
I was at Moonbean Café the other day with a friend whose life is going really well. She just moved out of her parent’s house after living with them for three years while in school for naturopathic medicine. It was a grueling three years. She was warned that her personal relationships might suffer. And suffer they did. She ended a relationship with a good friend of mine. It was too much to care for him to the degree that he required and to focus on her studies and expect to pass. It’s now three years later and she has completed her three years of study. Her fourth year is dedicated to clinic, which she loves. She has found shared accommodation that works for her in the opposite end of town of her ex. She has two part-time jobs to make ends meet while she is in the last year of school. Finally, she met someone new on Lavalife and it is going swimmingly. I couldn’t help but marvel at how ‘together’ she is. How motivated she is. How she keeps her eye on the ball at all times, rarely steering off course. I thought to myself, she is an inspiration. To know someone personally that is so dedicated to their passion and in a healthy way is a wonderful opportunity for me to learn something. When it was my turn to tell her about the accomplishments I have garnered lately, I came up a little short. I had nothing negative to report, which is a good thing, but I also didn’t have anything amazing or overly positive to report either. I said, “I’m just coasting right now.” I am still employed at the CBC. I haven’t been laid off yet or bumped. We agreed this was a good thing, but I clarified that redundancy notices go out at the end of May and lay-offs will continue through to September. I then informed her that even if I am not affected by the budget cuts in this way, come November my contract ends and I will have to interview for my position once more, as the Media Guild and Human Resources has determined that my position will no longer be a contract position and will become a permanent CBC staff position. My friend and I agreed to hope for the best. Part of me worries that I won’t interview well. I have been in this position for three years now. The honeymoon phase is long gone. I also have on and off difficulties with a couple of my co-workers. I told my boss and now I wonder if he will keep this in my mind when it comes time to interview people. The other part of me questions if I even want to be hired on permanently? I admitted this to Allison (friend from café) and she asked me to ask myself what do I want to do with myself? This morning while listening to the soundtrack to The Painted Veil (Lang Lang, I love your work, but do you ever make me sad), I wrote the following regarding what I want for myself:
 
I want to be a working writer (books, TV, film). 
 
My unrealized passion in life has been taking its toll on me lately. It’s because I stopped taking my antidepressant medication. I stopped taking it because I had been on it for a year, it caused me to gain 35 pounds, and I think it’s important to try to live peacefully without it unless there is an acute situation that calls for it. At least, that’s what makes sense for my life. On the upside, taking this medication helps with feeling less heartbroken about not being a working writer among other things. However, not taking medication causes me to be acutely aware of how I feel about not living my passion and it is painful. It really is living life with a broken heart.
 
I have reached the part in this article where it’s time for me to turn the ship around. To say something prolific about how one must realize one’s passion in life or prepare to live a miserable existence. Then the next step is for me to offer steps on how to achieve this. But, I’m the one that is seeking the steps, so how can I offer help to the other people out there in the world that are going through what I’m going through? Does the answer lie in how my friend Allison lives her life? Is writing this article for free for Carolina Smart (creator of Shebytches.com) a step in the right direction? Will helping someone else with realizing his or her dream in turn help you with yours? What if you don’t even know what your passion is let alone knowing how to realize it? I can’t end this article by giving you ten tips and/or exercises and a website or two to look at to inspire you. There are no pretty pink ribbons here. I’m sorry. I wish there were.
 
What I know is this: Talking things through with other people who are living the life they want for themselves might help. If I didn’t meet Allison yesterday for tea and I didn’t share with her how I was feeling, I might not have woken up this morning and identified on paper what I want for myself. I would not have come to this café to write. I would not have introduced myself to a regular here. I would not have shared with him that I was writing an article. I would not have told him that I work for the CBC, but want to be a working writer. And he wouldn’t have shared with me that his passion is music and he wouldn’t have told me to keep writing. And I wouldn’t have discovered my topic for this month’s article and I wouldn’t be completing it right now with tears in my eyes because I feel so moved by what is possible in the world and in each of our lives when we live honestly and authentically and bravely. The effort expended was very small compared to the fear that was holding me back. It feels good to take a risk. Even a small one like the one I took. But, it was worth it. Believe me. I made not a dime and no notoriety was awarded to me. All I gained was a small increase in self-confidence to pursue my passion. Do I still have to go back to the CBC tomorrow to earn a living? Yes, but I’m one step closer to my dream now.
 
I encourage all of you with unfulfilled desires to write down those desires and see what unfolds as a result. Until next time…