I am so full of shit; it's not even funny. With more dog crap on the neighbourhood lawn than dandelions, I set out to investigate this problem.

My initial research was conducted one steamy hot afternoon, on a walk with my son to daycare. In total, I observed approximately 48 pieces of feces. (I say approximate, because some of those ass apples could have been rodent or human, given their size.)

I decided against gathering any real evidence for the purpose of this investigation.

Later that afternoon, I drove back around the corner of my street. To my horror, I witnessed what appeared to be a big-assed donkey, slumped over like it was humping a Chihuahua hard, on the hillside in front of me. Upon my second eye-bulging-out-of-socket glance, I discovered it was really just a strange large dog passing excrement the size of a person‚s shit after an all-you-can-eat buffet. The owner of said donkey/dog walked away like he hadn't violated anything but perhaps his own morals.

Given the epidemic proportions of donkey-dogs and their doo-doo playing peek-a-boo on the local grass, I felt it necessary to continue this investigation. I smelled a rat.

I contacted local city counselor, KaKa Chanel*. According to KaKa, there is a strict by-law stating that people must remove dog excrement from any property within our city (rodents or humans are not mentioned in this by-law). She was constipatingly clear that any person who breaks this by-law is, upon conviction, guilty of an offence. KaKa added that, interestingly, you have the right to shoot any dog you see taking a dump on the lawn. Between you and me, I have been known, on occasion, to cap a terrier in the ass, laughed Chanel, off the record to this writer. Holy shit.

So, knowing a person could be fined, or their dog sniffed out by the likes of KaKa, I wondered why then, would anyone allow a mushroom farm to grow on the lawn? Of course, the easy answer would be: some people are lazy, but I like to believe there's good in everyone and some bigger reason for being shitty.

Maybe, these non-pooper-scoopers are aware of some grandiose ecological benefit that has not come to my attention? Because, from what I know, the grass will die, it's not a fertilizer, and trees could lose their leaves. If a rat ate that dog shit, they become a host to A. caninum, a hookworm carried by millions of dogs. Bummer. And far more serious, if a small child, walking to his daycare, ingested it, he could become blind from something called toxocara canis, a roundworm found in pups. I shit you not.

Well then, I lamented, the non-pooper-scooper could be protecting their dog from something my friend Niki loosely refers to what I'll label, Black Banana Violation (BBV) - an underlying psychological trauma done to dogs, by scooping up their poop.

I contacted Belle Shi'it*, Veterinarian and big fan of lawn darts and Mentos mints. After she digested what I had to say about our BBV theory, Shi'it said she was unaware of any such trauma or theory, and that we were full of shit. What a gas.

That put a big cramp on things. Having dug as deep as I could into the annals of dog shit, I ended my investigation. I can only determine that some people are just plain lazy. Poo-poo on them and their donkey/dogs.

*Shitty Disclaimer For the Constipated Types:
The people and their quotes in this story are fictitious. The donkey/dog is real.

BIO
Cynthia Cameron is an award-winning writer, mother of three, wife of one. Stay tuned at Shebytches.com as she has joined our family of writers.