::Shebytches::

It’s official. Here we are 22 days into 2005 and already people have thrown out their New Year’s resolutions, (with the exception being the guilt-ridden clowns, who are desperately checking out articles on how to resolve their resolutions).

Of course, I’m not one of these people, and neither are you, right?

Frankly, I never understood why I should make a resolution in the first place because "that’s just what we do come the New Year". Who is this New Year’s dictator? What else does she control? Can I be an intern?

Well today we can! The dictators are me and you.

Wouldn’t you love to change someone else? I bet if you give it some reflection, you might even have a list of people you’d like to control, sorry…change.

I do. It includes: that red-necked jerk at the grocery store (see previous story); that egotistical, self-centred prima donna (you know one, right?); that rude secretary; that media-whore entertainer; or that rebellious body part (well it’s part of a person anyway).

Girlfriend, grab yourself a cup of java, or chai tea, or whatever your hot beverage du-jour is, and listen up! Today, we decide who’s going to do the changing around here. (Ok, I decide, but just humour me.)

Here are the TOP 5 Much Needed Post-New Year’s Resolutions - for other people. Poking fun at myself is harmful, according to my psychotherapist.

Resolution 1
"I will be warm, friendly, and helpful to all parents who I either call or who call me to say their child is absent, needs to be dismissed early, or is arriving late." I understand that after calling a parent whose child was absent and arguing, "there is no way you could have called here at 8:55 a.m. to try and leave a message". "I was here, and I know you didn’t call" could frustrate parents and could also explain how I got on so many telemarketer lists last year. - the School Secretary (pick one)

Resolution 2
"Yo, word homies. Yo, yo,
I know some of you
don’t like what I do,
so I thought it was time
to being my rhyme,
will a resolution,
a solution,
beginning of a revolution,
to do hip hop,
without holding my crotch. - A Certain Rapper

(Writer’s note: as a mother, I’ve got to tell you that I can’t even begin to appreciate this guy’s music, even if he was shot 2000 times in the ‘hood’ and recently released from prison. I’m so distracted by the crotch holding action of this "coined" rapper I feel compelled to ask him if he has to use the little boy rapper’s bathroom. ENOUGH ALREADY!)

Resolution 3
"I resolve to donate money to a child in Africa every year, not just to Southeast Asia where a quarter million people died in a tsunami". – Tsunami charity donor (again, pick one).

(Writer’s note: I know this is not likely the popular view, but let’s look at this objectively. Every single store, school, mall, and medical office this year I storm into is asking for my money to give to the tsunami victims. And yah, I give the money, but I gave for other charities, last year too. It pisses me off to no end that we have homeless people freezing and suffering in our streets and millions dying from AIDS in Africa. Research shows we can stop poverty, and we can fight AIDS; we just have to be as generous to these causes as we have been with the tsunami victims).

Resolution 4
"I will seek out help for my cosmetic surgery addiction". I understand that there is a valid reason people in the press labeled me as the freakiest woman alive, suffering from "tanorexia", etc. And, although my rhinoplasty left untreated will mean my nose will eventually cave in, my breast implants will presumably also implode, and my fake bake will result in accelerated skin aging that can compare only to the texture and appearance of a raisin, I believe in me! Oh yes, I believe in my talents and intelligence! I know I will stay on Hollywood’s A-list, because a certain director told me so on a certain casting couch…I still can’t eat though. They like me, they really, really like me!" - Hollywood Actress (pick one)

(Writer’s note: No honey, they don’t really like you. Only in Hollywood; stupidity is a talent.)

Resolution 5
"Ok, so we’ve been slacking off lately. We know, we’ve been inconsistent, however that is our resolution this year. Usually, we don’t go anywhere, and that had to change. We’re sorry if we’ve shocked you into the back seat by traveling north east and northwest. It’s nothing personal. We love that you used us to nurture your offspring, and we know how hard you’ve worked out to keep us close to your heart, er, chin. However, we’ve got to be honest; it’s chin. We’re mad at chin. Chin is suffocating. We just needed a break, and we don’t think - no matter how hard you try to force our decision the other way - that we will change our resolution. Why? Elbows have always been so supportive of us, so we’d much rather align ourselves with our friends." -the Breasts (pick one or maybe both, if you want to)

(Writer’s note: Ok, so I am referring to me here. Given that I said I wasn’t going to make any resolutions, I thought this would be an intelligent way to work around that. Mind you, maybe I should consider resolution number 3, or better yet, maybe I should remind myself what my therapist said)…

Happy New Years to All, and to all, a good night.