THE BIGGEST LEAP

One of my favorite quotes comes from the Baz Lurman film ‘Strictly Ballroom’; it goes like this: To live in fear is a life half lived. This quote has been with me for a long time, but it’s only now that I’ve come to understand how relevant it is to my life. I have been playing it safe for far too long; I have been talking non-stop about living my life by my own rules, breaking free, having it all, living for the moment, etcetera etcetera, but I haven’t done any of that. I have been existing in a half life because I’ve been too afraid to risk anything to get the life I want.

In the last few months I began a very long distance relationship with a man I at first called Jamaica, but whom I now refer to as Lovely. Lovely and I are in constant contact even though he is in Barbados and I am here, and I have never felt as loved as I do by him. Three weeks ago I hopped on a plane to spend ten days with him, and, not to sound cheesy, it was the most beautiful time I have ever had. I realized very quickly that this man was meant for me and that I somehow had to make it work. That was the moment when I knew that I couldn’t play it safe anymore. When the ten days were up and I was about to leave him, he looked me in the eye and told me how excited he was to have me in his life, that he loved me, that he wanted me to be with him, and that was it. The decision was made. When I returned to Canada I began slowly telling my family that I was planning on moving, fearing that they would try and talk me out of it. Their reaction shocked me to say the least; not only are they supportive of my decision, but they are telling how proud they are that I’m making this leap.

I have been spending these last few weeks mulling over my decision, and I have come to understand just how much I let fear rule my life. I quit acting because I was afraid of rejection, I quit modeling because I was afraid I was too ugly and clumsy, I follow other people instead of going my own way because I’m afraid I’ll fail and look like a fool, I don’t speak my mind as much as I should because I’m afraid people won’t like what I have to say. The list goes on and on, but you get the gist of it. I have a half life and I don’t want it anymore.

Someone once said that you need to do one thing every day that scares you; today I began by listing everything I need to do in order to move as quickly and as painlessly as possible, and it hit me again that I was leaving everything and everyone I knew behind. I’m not going to say that I’m not afraid because I would be lying, but the love I feel for this man has begun to overpower that fear. I am ready for the challenge of starting a completely different life with him far away from my comfort zone. I am ready for new experiences and obstacles because in doing this it means that I am meeting my fear head on. I don’t want to live with regret anymore, so many opportunities were lost because I didn’t step up to the plate, and I am not adding this man to that list. In fact I’m throwing that list away; it’s old baggage and when my moving day comes I want to be traveling light.