To give you a brief overview of my dating odyssey I must begin at the very beginning. I have never had a strong male role model in my life; my biological father left when I was six and the man who came after was no father at all. I grew up feeling isolated and slightly afraid of the male sex because I was dominated in every way. This is in no way meant to make anyone feel sorry for me because I am no victim, but I still feel it in my heart. The old hurts have never fully healed, the old demons never fully exorcized, and every time I think I’m moving forward something happens and I find myself repeating the same self-destructive patterns. Each relationship I’ve found myself in has mirrored that one relationship; I have sought out men that in different ways, and without me fully realizing it, reminded me of that man.

I have often made reference to a previous relationship with a man (or child, I’m still trying to figure out which) who had a strange fixation with his car and his testicles, and I have tried to make light of it because I didn’t know what else to do, but the simple fact is that this man was emotionally and physically abusive towards me and I did nothing to stop it. I couldn’t stop it because I thought that I deserved it: I deserved it when he choked me just like I deserved it when that man told me I was stupid, and I deserved it when he told me he wanted to push my face through a window just like I deserved it when that man told me I was ugly. I left that relationship feeling like I was still twelve years old with no understanding of who I was and no self-confidence whatsoever. I have tried to come to terms with that abuse over the years by telling myself that it could have been a lot worse; he could have actually gone ahead and pushed my face through a window and I would be a lot worse off than I am now, but sometimes I feel that the thought of it is more damaging than the actual act.

The years after I finally came to my senses and gave the King of Testicle Arranging a verbal kicking in the balls were what I now call my wilderness years; I was lost in a dating haze, going from one short term fling to another, always hoping that the next one would be The One and that I would stop hurting. What I realize now of course is that it was unfair of me to put so much pressure on these men. It was unfair of me to think that they could make my pain go away, that they could save me. My life came crashing down around me when the one relationship that I counted on dissolved in front of me. My ex-roommate, the most wonderful, supportive and warm-hearted man I have ever known, found what I considered (and still do) to be someone who was less than worthy of his affections, and I found myself alone in a dank and dark basement apartment. That was when the realization finally hit like an anvil dropping from heaven. I was alone and no one was going to save me except myself. It was at that time, exactly one year ago, that I officially took myself off the market.

In the last year I have changed jobs twice, become financially independent, moved into the most beautiful home I have ever been in, I have begun editing my book and have received glowing praise and constructive criticism for it, lost forty-five pounds (and kept it off), loved my family, loved my friends, loved my cats, and along the way I have begun to heal. So much so that I am really ready, I think for the first time, to get back into the dating scene and it begins tonight.

He is younger than I am but that doesn’t bother me, his maturity belies his age. He is a thoroughly nice guy that I have known for a while and who finally got up the nerve to ask me out last week. Everything about this is different because I’m different; I’m not looking at this date as a new relationship and I’m not looking for him to save me. I’m looking for him to pick me up, take me out and drive me home again. I’m looking for good conversation with a nice guy who might be a new found friend and nothing more. If there is a spark then great, if not then I go home and love my cats because we know a secret: I am worthy and I am beautiful and I deserve to be happy. I’m a goddamn peach and it’s just a matter of time before everyone else realizes it.

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