The Rules

No I’m not talking about those ridiculous dating books that supposedly teach women how to be in control, I’m talking about a set of rules that were laid out for me this week by the man formerly known as The Crush. The Crush and I haven’t had much to do with each other since he dropped his version of the atomic bomb on me a few months back by telling me that not only did he have a serious girlfriend but that he was actually marrying her. I wish I could say that the disconnection was his doing but I would be lying, I was the one who had to tell him that we couldn’t see each other anymore. I was the one who was taking his vow of faithfulness seriously not him.

Marriage has never been something that I’ve been particularly interested in, I was never the typical little girl who daydreamed about my father walking me down the aisle or doodled my boyfriend’s last name with the word ‘Mrs.’ in front of it. I have also never understood why so many women turn into complete maniacs when they all of a sudden become a bride. I have a great respect for people who take the plunge so it really bothers me when the same respect is not returned to me. When I tell other people, women especially, that I have no intention of ever taking the vows because I don’t believe that I need a piece of paper to tell someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with him they look at me like I’ve grown a second head. It isn’t that I don’t think that the institution of marriage doesn’t work, it works very well for a lot of people, it’s just that my life is crazy enough without me putting myself into another institution.

I thought The Crush was one of those people who would take his marriage seriously but I was seriously wrong. Since he got married he has continuously propositioned me, asking me directly whether I would consider being his ‘bit on the side’. When it first happened I thought he was joking but when he kept at it I realized that not only was he serious but also that he actually thought I would agree. There were days when he would come right up to me when my boss was within earshot and ask me straight out when we were going to fuck again, and then there have been days when he’s asked to come over because he just needs to be with me. On all of these occasions I’ve terminated the conversation by asking ‘how’s the wife?’ The wife it seems is completely oblivious to the fact that she’s married to an adulterous pig. I have told The Crush many times that as soon as that ring was put on his finger he was no longer able to play around, to which he replied ‘I’m married. I can do whatever I want now.’

When I asked him why he got married he told me that it was what a man was supposed to do. Men are supposed to get married, support their wives and children and have a little bit of fun now and then. Apparently I was supposed to be that little bit of fun. When I asked him just what I was supposed to get out of it, he replied ‘a really good fuck once a week.’ That was the first time I really looked at him and saw him for what he truly is. The word pig doesn’t even begin to describe him. Emotional Fuckwit about sums it up. He stated very clearly that now that he was married he didn’t want to start an affair with someone new; that he wanted to continue with me because I knew the rules. And just what are those rules?

Rule Number One: Never try and strike up a conversation while he’s trying to get you into the bedroom, it ruins his train of thought.

Rule Number Two: Never expect any affection and foreplay is out of the question.

Rule Number Three: Never ask about the girlfriend/wife when you’re in bed, it’ll deflate much more than his ego.

Rule Number Four: Never under any circumstance turn him down, that’s what his wife is for.

Rule Number Five: Never forget that he is a MAN with needs that must be satisfied even if yours haven’t been.

When I told him that these rules didn’t suit me he seemed genuinely confused. He didn’t seem to understand that ‘a good fuck once a week’ just wasn’t good enough. I told him that although I didn’t believe in marriage his wife did and that he should respect and love her more than anyone in the world. I also told him that if his inappropriate behavior didn’t stop I might just have to stop by the shop where she works and have a little conversation. I would never do that of course but it was worth it just to see the look on his face. I guess he realized something.

I make the rules now.

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