AND SO SHE TOOK THE LEAP

There have been many times in my life where I thought I had taken leaps of faith, but I realize now that they were all practice jumps leading up to the grand finale.   For months now my mind has been consumed with one thought: being with the man I love.  It is this thought that has changed everything about my life.  You can ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you that I would be the last person they would think of to uproot everything and move to an unknown country to start a life with someone I had only physically been with for a few weeks, but that is exactly what I've done, and I have never been so excited and scared at the same time.

Now I know what some of you are thinking, how, after so many years of ranting and raving about how women change themselves to suit the men they're with, how they give up their independence for the sake of a warm body next to them at night, how they cease to be 'I' and become part of 'we', can I possibly leave everything and everyone I know for the love of this man?  My answer: Because this man doesn't want me to change, this man likes my independence and my illogical way of thinking; he laughs at my clumsiness, and, in doing so, he is teaching me to laugh at myself, and, though he doesn't always agree, he listens intently when I tell him my thoughts on religion and spirituality.  In short, for the first time in my life I am able to be completely open and honest with a man, he knows my weaknesses and frailties as well as my strengths, and that alone is worth moving countries for.

For the last few months I have been battling my emotions regarding my decision to move, but the one that reared its ugly head more often than the others was fear.  I have spoken many times before of my old fear demons:  I'm not good enough; I'm not pretty enough; I'm not smart enough; I will never  be happy; I will never find love; I will never amount to anything; I will never live the life I want.  I lived with these demons for so many years that I began to see them as safe and comfortable; if I knew all of these things about myself and if I truly believed them, then there was no need to challenge them.  I was safe in my little negative bubble; I went to work, came home, drank wine, had sex, complained to my girlfriends about the lack of passion with the men I was seeing, and went to bed only to start the cycle over again the next day.  I was fine with that cycle for years until one day my best friend decided to get married in Barbados; I met this wonderful man, the cycle was thrown out the window and my fear demons and I finally had a showdown.

  I left everything: the safety of my family, the comfort of my friends and cats, I sold my furniture, my clothes, I quit my job and I got on a plane.  I was absolutely terrified but I knew in my gut that the universe had given me a gift and I wasn't about to pass it up.  As the plane started down the runway I was beaming from ear to ear; it finally hit me that I had gotten off the negativity treadmill and I was doing exactly what I wanted to do for the first time in my life, and for the first time my life was so full that I had no room for fear.

I don't know much but I do know this:  leaps of faith must be taken at every opportunity because living your life in fear isn't living life at all.