Serenity Now, Or Else...Inner Thoughts About Yoga

I have done the impossible: I have gotten my lazy ass to the gym, and I am about to do a yoga class. Ahhh. Yoga. I am so hip I can barely stand it. I am going to feel so light and airy, so emotionally and spiritually enriched, and lithe and toned. I am going to be Gwyneth Paltrow times ten.

Look at me with my new yoga mat. Damn I look good with this mat. I bet Gwyneth and Madonna have mats like this, but not as nice as mine though.

Wow, the class hasn’t even started and already I feel at peace. Maybe this is my calling. Maybe I’m supposed to meditate and be all serene all the time. Maybe if I do this every day I can fix everything in my life.

It’s all about positive energy and good karma. I’m going to be a positive, non-judgmental person from now on, and I am going to attract goodness to my life.

That woman over there has the biggest hair I’ve ever seen. Someone should tell her that back combing went out with the eighties.

Hmmm…that might have been a bit judgmental. Oh well, it’s only my first day being positive and non-judgmental so I’m bound to slip up.

Here we go! My first yoga pose! Oh I am so excited; I just know that this is what I’ve been searching for all of my life! This yoga teacher is going to help me transform into my inner goddess, I just know it!

Should I ask her if we should call her Sensei, or is that a Karate thing only?

I bet she’s a vegan. Gwyneth Paltrow’s a vegan. Oh wait, no, she does that macro whatever thingy. Maybe I should look into that. Maybe if I ban all animal products and junk food from entering my body then I will transform myself faster.

Except for Krispy Kremes. They don’t have any animal in them so I think they can stay.

Maybe I should ask sensei if she does the macro thingy? Maybe if I do that diet it will help me de-stress and become more Zen-like. Okay, I need to breathe and focus.

Okay, maybe I’m not understanding. How do I breathe through my eyelids?

I’m not an expert yet but I think I’ve got this Child’s Pose down already. Why does everyone think yoga’s so hard?

Oooh, I like this Cobra Pose; it makes me feel very powerful. Maybe if I do this type of pose every day before work I can harness this power. This is exactly what I need to do. Be the Cobra.

I’ll bet Gwyneth Paltrow does this pose every day. No wonder she’s so good at what she does.

Yep. Me and Gwyneth. Embracing the Cobra.

Wait, am I supposed to be sending my energy through my eyelids or the top of my head? What if my energy gets misdirected? Where do I send my energy?

Screw the eyelid thing, just breathe normally.

Is Downward Dog supposed to hurt like this? Nobody told me yoga was supposed to hurt!

Yoga is supposed to be gentle and…wait…my leg doesn’t bend like Sensei’s. My leg is not supposed to bend this way. How in the world am I supposed to find Zen when I look like a human pretzel?

Why am I sweating so much?

And why is that big haired cow smiling at me? What, does she think she’s so much better than me because she can do a textbook Downward Dog and I look like Sacrificial Lamb?

Is this teacher even certified? I know she’s certifiable, but if she expects me to put my leg behind my head I want to see some documents!

Okay, I’m just going to get through this class. It has to be almost over by now. My head is already turned 180 degrees as it is so I’ll just sneak a peak at the clock.

That clock can’t be right. You’ve got to be kidding me! I’m sweating like a stuck pig and I’ve only been doing this for fifteen minutes?

Screw Zen and screw Gwyneth Paltrow.

I’m packing up my yoga mat and I’m getting a donut.