THE
ART OF GETTING A LIFE
For
the last couple of weeks I have been doing a lot of downsizing.
I have been slowly peeling away layers of me and I am amazed
at what I’ve found so far. My reason for doing this
is quite simple, I came very close to hitting rock bottom
a few weeks ago and I really thought that I didn’t
have anyone to help me pick up the pieces because I had
isolated myself so much in the last few months that I really
didn’t think that anyone would care anymore. I thought
I didn’t have anyone that I could turn to because I
felt sure that I had burned all of my bridges. I am a very
good bridge burner you see, I’m an expert actually,
I’ve got years and years of experience at pushing people
away when I felt they were getting too close; I’m also
an expert at hiding my emotions and lying to myself and
everyone around me. Ever since I was a very little girl
I knew that I was different from all the other kids, I could
see and feel things that they couldn’t. I could hear
voices and see faces that my mother and sisters couldn’t
and that frightened them. It frightened my mother so much
so that she thought she had no choice but to put me into
therapy. I know in my heart that she really wanted to help
me and still does but she doesn’t understand and she
never will. I went through years and years of therapy to
try and stop myself from feeling these emotions and I did
it so well that I stopped feeling all together.
I
have been a liar all my life. I lie because it puts people
at ease, my family especially. I tell them that everything’s
okay and they leave me alone and don’t ask questions.
I lie because I tell people what they want to hear and not
what I’m really feeling; I lie because I use the way
I look to keep people at arm’s length, they see a tall
attractive blonde and immediately pigeon hole me and I let
them. It’s easier than letting them see who I really
am. The truth is I’m comfortable with my lies or at
least I was until two months ago when I realized that I
had no life because my lies had completely taken over.
So
it’s time to be honest. I understand that I need help
and I am getting it, but not in the traditional way. I am
once again in therapy but this time it’s different,
this time I am being completely honest about everything
including my visions. I was terrified that this doctor would
be like all the rest and tell me that I was hallucinating,
but he didn’t. Instead he began telling me about his
own experiences with spirits and how he had managed to incorporate
them into his life. I realized then and there that my old
life just didn’t fit me anymore and that in order to
get a new one I would have to shed my lies.
Since
starting my quest to begin my life I have been overwhelmed
with support from everyone. I always knew that I was loved
and cared about but not in the way or magnitude that I have
been shown in the last few weeks. I’ve opened myself
up and I feel accepted for the first time in my life. I
don’t want to make this sound cheesy because it isn’t
but the hardest thing in world for me to do is to admit
that I need people because I have spent my entire life pushing
them away. I need my family because they are my backbone
and my support. I need my friend Carolina because she kicks
me in the ass and tells me the absolute truth and I need
my mate Rupert because he knows my heart and my head and
he refuses to pigeon hole me. The thing that should frighten
me is that I find myself craving his company, but it doesn’t.
Not anymore.
So
here’s what my honest life consists of at the moment:
therapy. Lots and lots of therapy. And I don’t just
mean the clinical kind. My therapy consists of surrounding
myself with the people that I love. Hanging out with my
sisters, having coffee with my mom, sitting in the back
yard and sharing a good glass of wine with Carolina, sitting
on my balcony watching and the sun come up with my mate
Rupert. I know now that meeting him is my prayer answered.
I asked for someone to understand me and I got him.
So
there you have it, my life so far. It may not sound like
much but it’s just the beginning and I’ve got
a long way to go.
he