Back in the Groove
Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you without hesitation that I am not the life of the party. I am very self-conscious; I don’t have a large group of friends, I don’t go out dancing and I can’t remember the last time I threw caution to the wind, but apparently a week in Barbados is all I needed to cure myself of all those hang ups.

When my best friend of twenty-five years asked me to be the maid of honor at her wedding in Barbados I was both proud and terrified; even though I am an actor and writer I still break out in a cold sweat at the mere thought of speaking in public. For months I worried about how I was going to fit a quarter century of friendship and sisterhood into a three minute speech, how I was going to overcome my shyness so that I didn’t appear cold and aloof, and how I was going to cure myself of my notorious clumsiness so that I didn’t end up tumbling down the aisle with my dress over my head. When I think of all the time I wasted worrying about these ridiculous things I could slap myself; I glided down the aisle without making an ass of myself, the people attending the wedding were so lovely and down to earth that my shyness was forgotten in a matter of minutes, and the speeches were dumped in favor of drinking and retro music.
I have been asking myself some fairly serious questions this last week: Why do I have such a hard time opening up to people? Why is it that I focus on the bad when the good is staring me in the face? When will I allow myself the right to live my life according to my own rules? The truth of the matter is that I waste so much time thinking about the negative things in my life that I forget that I am supposed to be living it. There was a time in my life when I didn’t care what people thought; I dressed and acted the way that I wanted to and I always took the road less traveled, but somehow (and I don’t know when it happened) the young woman who took those risks and flew by the seat of her pants got lost. She got mired down with insults, rules and accusations from the very people that she claimed not to be bothered by. So now the question has to be asked: now that I am aware of my actions, how do I get my groove back?

Someone once said that a person should do something every day that scares them, and that is exactly what I did and what I am still doing. To begin, I Limbo-ed like an idiot on stage in front of a large audience and I forced myself to laugh at my lack of coordination, whereas I would normally be mortified at the mere thought of exposing myself to the laughter of complete strangers. I then threw my shoulders back and walked down that aisle even though I knew that I was the only single person in a room filled with couples who were all staring at me. As I watched my dearest friend pledge her love to her husband I once again embraced the fact that, even though I’m lonely at times, I am standing on my own. But perhaps the biggest challenge I faced was that of being open to the idea that there are people out there who don’t want to take anything from me; who just want to know me. I don’t want to sound like I’m playing the victim because I am far from it, but forming positive relationships with men has never been easy for me; I have always ended up with the short end of the stick. In the past when I let someone in I always came to regret it because I was abused either physically or emotionally, but when Jamaica walked into the room I decided to change my attitude. I know it might seem like a strange thing to be afraid of but when he asked me questions and seemed to enjoy talking to me, my initial reaction was to run away. I am so glad that, for once, I didn’t listen to my gut. Jamaica is someone who seeks the answers to life, who takes risks and asks questions, and whose smile is infectious and comforting at the same time. Though my time with him was way too short, I know that I have a new friend that, despite the distance, I will keep in contact with and whom I will hopefully see again soon.

So did I get my groove back? Well, let’s put it this way, I now consider myself to be a work in progress, meaning that I am not going to run through the streets naked anytime soon, but I am going to take the time to make myself laugh. My time on the island taught me that I need to stop taking myself so seriously, but that I also need to get my shit together, stop making excuses and get on with achieving my goals. The work will be done when all of these things come together, and then I will truly be in the groove.