Daughter
of the Queen
Isn’t
it funny how things become the most clear when you decide
you just don’t give a fuck anymore? It seems strange
to me to be writing this but I honestly feel like I’ve
been given a little gift this week: I was given the chance
to see my behavior in someone else and it has opened my
eyes completely. This someone has taught me an extremely
valuable lesson, one that I am not likely to forget for
a very long time. I never thought that I would consider
myself lucky to have my impulses and reactions put on display
but that is exactly how I feel, I feel like I’ve been
put in front of a mirror and I don’t like what I see.
I have been under the delusion that I have no control over
how other people treat me, that I cannot change my lot in
life and that I have no backbone, but what I realize now
is that I have the power to do and be whatever I bloody
well please and I have my friend to thank for that. My friend
and I have known each other for a very long time; I have
always looked up to her and looked to her for advice and
respected her for the strong and beautiful woman that she
is, but this week I realized that we are more alike than
either of us could ever have imagined. Without going into
too much detail about my friend’s predicament I will
explain this much: we have both been branded with the Bit
On The Side title.
Until
August of this year I was under the illusion that I meant
something to someone; that I was more than just a roll in
the hay, but I was sadly and cruelly mistaken. I fancied
myself in love with The Crush and (even worse) really thought
that he cared about me. I turned a blind eye to the fact
that he never took me out and a deaf ear whenever someone
told me that he was using me; I refused to see what was
so plainly obvious. My bubble burst when he told me that
he was getting married but wanted to continue seeing me;
I realized for the first time that the only thing that interested
him about me was the place between my legs and nothing more.
I went into a downward spiral after that, I didn’t
know who I was or what purpose I had, all I knew was that
according to him I was only good for one thing. All I wanted
was to be near him, to have his arms around me and to hear
his voice and I didn’t care that he was pledging himself
to another woman. I was so desperate for him to care about
me that I actually entertained the idea of being his Friday
Night Go To Girl, but I still had a tiny amount of self-respect
left and I turned him down. It was at this point that I
began to get angry but not at him; he was beautiful, unreachable
and completely blameless. I got angry at myself because
I let him treat me like a prostitute; I let him treat me
badly because I thought I deserved it, that it was the best
I would ever get.
I
continued to think this way until I saw my friend go through
the same agony this week. I saw the look of complete disbelief
and torture that I’ve been wearing for much of this
year and I wanted to slap it off her face; I wanted to shake
her until her teeth rattled, much the same way my mother
did with me when I told her what The Crush had offered me.
My mother kicked me in the ass when I refused to get out
of bed, fed me soup when I refused to eat and reminded me
that I come from royalty. You heard right, I am the daughter
of a queen and until I saw my friend I had completely forgotten
about it.
My
mother once told me that all women are daughters of the
Queen of Sheba and we should expect to be treated with the
respect and dignity that she herself commanded. The Queen
of Sheba ruled with integrity and grace and was seen by
her partner, Solomon, not only as a wife but as an equal.
She was said to have bestowed this belief in her daughters
and demanded that they carry on the tradition. It got lost
somehow. So many women have given their power away to abusive
relationships and crippling self doubt; we’ve forgotten
how it feels to be respected and admired for the strength
that runs through our veins.
No
more. I will no longer tolerate the kind of abuse that has
been heaped on my friend and myself; I respect myself too
much to settle for anything less than makes me happy and
if I have to force feed her and kick her in the ass I will
get my mother’s advice through her head. We are daughters
of the Queen of Sheba and we don’t give up our throne
for anyone.
he