That Which Does Not
Once again Yours Truly has been thrown a curve ball. I went into the doctor’s office thinking that I was allergic to gluten, and I came out with the understanding that not only was I never going to have children but that I also needed to have a hysterectomy. How did this happen? It’s very simple actually, my doctor dropped the ball. I have been complaining to him for the last few months about feeling fatigued all the time, and instead of looking further into the problem he decided that I was depressed and needed to go on a mood stabilizer. Let me just state for the record that I am not now nor have I ever been clinically depressed, and yet every time I see my doctor he tries to force feed me Prozac. I was prepared for another battle when I went to see him on Tuesday; what I was not prepared for was the life changing diagnosis he handed me. I had a full page list of symptoms that spelled out to me that I was allergic to gluten and a few others that I was concerned about: fatigue, skin rashes, aches and pains in my legs and lower back, very heavy periods, bloating, and I was sure that he was going to agree that I was indeed suffering from a food allergy. When I had finished reading my list aloud he sat me down on the examination table (something he should have done six months ago) and began prodding my belly.

“There is a mass in your pelvic area. You need an ultrasound immediately.” He didn’t say anything else but from the look on his face I could tell he was concerned.

Needless to say I was shocked and my imagination began to run wild. A mass was growing in my pelvic area, and when doctors say ‘mass’ it only means one thing: cancer. I was shaking when I went for the ultrasound, making deals with God that if He got me out of this one I would be the most perfect person on the planet, and was even more frightened by the concerned look on the face of the woman performing the test. I couldn’t understand why she kept asking me about children. Did I have children? Do I want children? Had I ever been pregnant or had a miscarriage? And I didn’t understand the urgency that my own doctor had expressed; within an hour I had the preliminary results and I was told that I had Uterine Fibroids. I was also told that the fibroids were quite large and they would need to be removed, but that the surgery would also involve removing my uterus.
I am thrty-five years old and I am facing the fact that I will most likely never have a child of my own. Being a mother has always been my number one desire, and now I’m being told that it will never happen. I am so angry at my doctor; if he had listened to me six months ago this would have been caught and the situation would not have been so dire, and I am angry at myself for taking his diagnosis and not pursuing it further. If I had just been a little tougher, if I had pushed him to look past his pills and prescriptions, I wouldn’t have to make this choice right now. I have run the gamut of emotions this week: absolute fear, anger, desperation, sadness, and I know that this is only the beginning. So many things are going through my head that I can’t think of anything else. Why is this happening to me? What did I do that was so bad that I deserve this? All I have ever wanted in this life is to be a mother, why am I being denied that right? Why didn’t I listen to my body? I knew something was wrong six months ago but I did what I always do, I stuck my head in the sand and listened to my all knowing doctor. That decision is now coming back to haunt me.

I am so scared but I know that I have to face this. I can’t put my head in the sand anymore; I have to take charge of this situation and I can’t take no for an answer. So far this is one man’s opinion; there are dozens of doctors in this city who specialize in cases like mine, and I won’t stop until all other options are exhausted. I have also started to educate myself on the hows and whys of fibroids. Simply put fibroids are non-cancerous growths that block the uterus, and if left they can grow to the size of a watermelon; many of these cases do require hysterectomies, but there are many other options that need to be explored. I have decided to go the Naturopathic route; I will also change my diet and lifestyle and I will fight this thing in my body with everything I have. I will not have anything taken from my body and I will not have anyone tell me that I can’t be a mother. I believe that this is my body’s way of telling me that it’s time to step up to the plate; it’s time to take care of myself, and it’s time to let go of all the old hurts, anger and fear that I have been carrying around inside of me. It’s time to knock this ball right out of the park and it starts with finding a doctor who will actually listen.