Jerry
Springer Don’t Got Nothin’ On Me
It’s
finally happened. My life has become so bizarre that the
only thing I can liken it to is a bad episode of The Jerry
Springer show. Think I’m exaggerating? Believe me I
wish were because then I would be able to wake myself out
of this absurd dream and get on with what my real life should
be. But a bad Jerry Springer episode is what my existence
amounts to at this point, complete with cheating husbands,
psychotic mothers and teenaged drunkards.
The
week started out nicely enough but soon went horribly wrong
when two of my staff called in sick half an hour before
their shifts were to begin. I had already worked eight hours
when the first young lady called in and decided she was
having a nervous breakdown and couldn’t make it in
to work. Once again I am not exaggerating, she used those
exact words: ‘I’m having a nervous breakdown and
I’m not coming in to work today." Although it was an
original and creative excuse, it was obviously a lie and
I caught her. I told her that I didn’t care if she
was hung over or not, she had a job to do and that I was
not going to let her get away with feigning sick anymore.
At this point she put her mother on the phone who told me
in no uncertain terms that I was a cold hearted, unfeeling
woman who obviously had no idea how to do my job and who
had to find fault with a ‘very sick seventeen year
old girl’ to make myself feel better. What could I
do? Tell her that her daughter is a lying little wench who
comes in to work reeking of cigarettes and booze and who
throws herself at every man who walks in the door? No, it
was not my place to open her eyes like that, instead I let
her lambaste me while, I’m sure, her daughter sat back
and laughed at having gotten away with pulling the wool
over her eyes again. The next Best Actress nominee called
me and told me that she couldn’t come in because she
had a growth in her stomach and that she was ‘really
sick.’ It was at this point that I well and truly exploded,
knowing full well that the two girls were good friends and
had obviously gone out the night before. When I told her
that she was to bring in a doctor’s note to verify
this so-called ‘growth’ she became very defensive
saying that I was invading her privacy, to which I replied
that her job depended on it. So my eight hour shift turned
into sixteen (for which I was not paid over time) and I
did not receive one word of acknowledgement from the management.
There was no ‘thank you’, no ‘good job’,
no ‘how are you doing?’ no nothing. Welcome to
my thankless job.
My
week became even more unreal when I was told the news that
The Crush had gotten married. It was news that I was expecting
but it still hit me like a jackhammer to the head. It was
only a few short weeks ago that he had even mentioned the
fact that he was going to ask her, but then of course I
realized that he had been playing me all along. He had been
engaged to this woman the entire time he was with me, but
that’s not even the worst part of it. No, the worst
part is that The Crush got married two weeks ago, but who
one week ago asked to be let back into my bed to which I
politely refused him access. He had been married for precisely
one week and already he was trying to cheat on his wife
with me. It was at this point that I threw my head back
and laughed. What else could I do? Cry because he had treated
me like a prostitute when all I wanted was his affection?
Scream because I was a woman scorned? No. These actions
took too much energy and I had already wasted enough of
it on him. So I laughed loudly and heartily as I pictured
his long suffering wife waiting up for him night after night,
year after year, while he went out and stuck his willy in
wherever and whoever he could. I didn’t envy her at
all. I was the one who got out. I was the lucky one.
So
what has Yours Truly learned from all this? Simply put,
I learned that some women are blind, some are reckless and
selfish and some are just plain stupid. And I also learned
one thing more: I don’t have to watch reality t.v.
because my life is much more interesting.
he