Hey
Baby, What’s Your Sign?
There
are many things in life that I do quite well, I can cook
a mean stew, run a mile in seven minutes, write about anything
and nothing at the same time and I have a very green thumb,
but I think it’s about time that I just come right
out and admit that I suck at dating. I have never been comfortable
meeting new people and I absolutely abhor small talk, most
of the time I feel like I’m sitting at a table with
a huge neon sign above my head that reads ‘Please Like
Me!’ In fact I am so bad at dating that I should come
with a cautionary sign as well: Warning! This Girl Attracts
Only Psychos And Nut Jobs. Normal Men Need Not Apply. I
have been on so many disastrous dates in my life that I
could literally write a book about them. But what’s
even worse than the actual date is the idle ‘chit chat’
that comes with it.
Now
I’ve already told you that I have no stomach for small
talk, I grew up in a household where conversation could
be considered a blood sport. I was taught early on that
if I wanted to talk about a certain topic then I had better
have the facts to back up my statement or I was likely to
get a verbal bashing from my siblings. We talked about everything
and anything; the newspaper was passed from one sister to
the other and articles, book and film reviews and storylines
were discussed and dissected and at no time did we ever
discuss the weather. I think the ‘small talk’
gene in my make up is lying dormant but believe me I have
done quite well without it. I think that is also the reason
why I continue to strike out in the dating game.
I
am the type of person who hates it when you ask me how I
am. I have always hated that question! Acquaintances pass
me on the street and say ‘Hi, how are you?’ and
then don’t stop to find out. If you really want to
know how I am I will tell you but don’t ask if you
really don’t want to know. I suppose this type of behavior
puts people off but I am not going to lie and say that ‘I’m
fine’ when I’m not. It’s this aversion to
polite conversation that makes me a tough date; I don’t
want to talk about why I’m still single at thirty-three,
I don’t want to talk about marriage, family, what I
look for in a mate or if I believe in ‘The One’
because my answers never jibe with what the date is used
to hearing. I’m single at thirty-three because I’m
not settling for anything less than what makes me happy,
I’m not getting married because I’m innocent and
don’t deserve to be imprisoned, my family are complete
whack jobs and I would most likely inflict that nuttiness
onto my offspring so children are not part of the plan and
when I’m asked about ‘The One’ my answer
is Keanu Reeves.
I
wish I could say that these topics were the worst but I
would be lying. What’s even worse is when the date
decides to pull out all the stops and go for the jugular:
The pick up line. The tried and trusted line that is a segway
into the ‘why don’t you come back to my apartment
and I’ll show you my etchings wink, wink’ conversation.
The line that will surely have me whipping off my knickers
and twirling them over my head like a Texas cowgirl on acid
and screeching ‘take me to bed or lose me forever!’
Oh yes, we have heard them before, haven’t we? The
‘your eyes are like two deep pools can I jump in them/
did it hurt when you fell from Heaven/you’re a thief
you’ve stolen my heart’ lines that make them think
they’re so suave but in reality makes them cheesier
than Wayne Newton on a bad day. I’ve heard them all
and have tried my hardest to be polite and not laugh at
them but it is hard not to when you get compared to Brigitte
Neilson like it’s some great compliment. What was I
supposed to that except ‘Gee, thanks for letting me
know that I remind you of an over-the-hill gold digger whose
one talent was shtupping Sylvester Stallone.’? Needless
to say that date did not last very long.
So
here it is. Here is my quest. I am on a search for the best
and worst pick up lines that you have ever had the pleasure
or horror of experiencing. I want to hear all of the sordid
details because I want to know that I am not the only one
who has had enough and who just wants to laugh at the absurd
situations that we single gals find ourselves in. If you
have an experience that you would like to share with the
shebytches group then feel free to email us your gem of
a story and we will put it on the website and laugh along
with you.
he