Anna's Bytch AND SO SHE TOOK THE LEAP
There have been many times in my life where I thought I had taken leaps of faith, but I realize now that they were all practice jumps leading up to the grand finale. For months now my mind has been consumed with one thought: being with the man I love.
Anna's Bytch Cat astrophe
I have been called many things in my life: liar, witch, bitch, whore, (just to name a few) but it is the latest label that I am having the most trouble letting go of. According to someone close to me, I am a selfish and neglectful pet owner. I have been struggling with this thought for the last few weeks because nothing could be further from the truth.
Anna's Bytch THE BIGGEST LEAP
One of my favorite quotes comes from the Baz Lurman film ‘Strictly Ballroom’; it goes like this: To live in fear is a life half lived. This quote has been with me for a long time, but it’s only now that I’ve come to understand how relevant it is to my life.
Anna's Bytch Breaking Point
Have you ever gotten to the point where you are so fed up with everyone telling you what to do that you just want to tear your hair out?
Anna's Bytch Signs
The universe is a strange and wonderful place, but the strangest of all things are the little signs it chooses to hit us mere mortals with. No, I'm not going to start spouting New Age Dogma at you, but I am going to tell you that I am, without doubt, a true believer in the idea that the universe really does take care of us if we take the time to listen.
Anna's Bytch LEAP OF FAITH
I don’t know why, but it seems that the people around me are making dramatic life changes and I have to admit that their energy is having an effect on me.
Anna's Bytch Back in the Groove
Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you without hesitation that I am not the life of the party. I am very self-conscious; I don’t have a large group of friends, I don’t go out dancing and I can’t remember the last time I threw caution to the wind, but apparently a week in Barbados is all I needed to cure myself of all those hang ups.
Anna's Bytch Thoughts on a Blue Moon
Though many may not know it, we have experienced an astronomical phenomenon this last month: the occurrence of the Blue Moon.
Anna's Bytch The Bitten Kitten
My mother taught me many things as a child, but the one thing that remains with me to this day is the lesson she taught me about Unconditional Love. One of my earliest childhood memories is of my mother coming home from one of her jobs and flopping down on a couch full of kittens;
Anna's Bytch Do Yourself A Favor And Flick Off
Today in Canadian News: A Toronto Woman is in serious condition after having 40% of her body burned by a Molotov Cocktail that was thrown into her home by neighborhood bullies who wanted to get back at her teenaged son for standing up to them.
Anna's Bytch Thoth Revisited
Ask anyone who thinks they know me and they will tell you without a second thought that they think I am a little odd. Okay, that may be putting it a little too nicely, whack job and crackpot are probably more appropriate terms.
Anna's Bytch Getting To Know You
That’s right Class, today’s lesson in self-healing is entitled ‘You and Your Tumors: A Guide To Knowing Your Body and Effectively Telling Those Know It All Doctors To Kiss Your Ass.’ As I am the occupant of a body filled (for the time being) to capacity with Fibroid tumors, I feel that I am the right person to lead you on this journey.
Anna's Bytch TOTAL RECALL
Once again Yours Truly has had to deny her inner Rocky Balboa by not pummeling the twenty-something twit who stood in front of me at the grocery store to within an inch of her life. I have to let it be known that I am a pacifist; I believe in working out problems by talking with my mouth and not my hands, but this woman nearly had my hands wrapped around her throat.
Anna's Bytch It’s A Secret I’ve never thought of myself as a negative person, but lately I have noticed how much time I waste walking around with a ‘Why Me?’ attitude hanging over me like a thundercloud. Over the last few months I have spent days and nights with ‘Why Me?’ dominating every thought:
Anna's Bytch Serenity Now, Or Else...Inner Thoughts About Yoga
I have done the impossible: I have gotten my lazy ass to the gym, and I am about to do a yoga class. Ahhh. Yoga.
Anna's Bytch DEFENDING JUDY
Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together and give a big round of applause for the return of Banning Literature for the Safety of Our Children! We know that our young ones are living in a world filled with sex, war and violence, but we can’t do anything about that so we’ll do the next logical thing: we’ll ban books so they can’t escape it!
Anna's Bytch Fashion Show On Hoth
Once again, Yours Truly is questioning her sanity. In my ongoing journey to unravel the mysteries of my dreaming mind I have yet again been stumped. If you’ve read my past articles then you will know that I enter the dream state with extreme caution, but if this is your first time on the rollercoaster ride called Anna’s Mind let me make a firm statement before we proceed any further: The dreams I experience are not and never have been chemically induced, and (contrary to popular belief) I am not on drugs.
Anna's Bytch TIPPING THE SCALE
‘I feel like a fat, disgusting pig. Look at my ass; I should have WIDE LOAD written right across it.’
Sound familiar? It certainly does to me. I have uttered those words and many more like them so many times in my life that I have lost count, but for once those words didn’t come from my mouth; they came from the mouth of a young girl I overheard on the subway.
Anna's Bytch That Which Does Not Once again 'Yours Truly' has been thrown a curve ball. I went into the doctor’s office thinking that I was allergic to gluten, and I came out with the understanding that not only was I never going to have children but that I also needed to have a hysterectomy. How did this happen? It’s very simple actually, my doctor dropped the ball.
Anna's Bytch The Alien Among Us Ladies and Gentlemen, after thirty-five years on this planet, someone has finally told me the truth. After one too many caffeinated Chai teas my mother told me the reason why I haven’t been able to find a nice bloke; it is because I am an alien and I’m on the wrong planet.
Anna's Bytch It's Not Just A Right, It's A Responsibility “Nellie McClung is probably spinning in her grave.” The woman said as she shook her head in dismay. The younger woman standing in front of her stared back blankly; she was completely clueless as to why the other woman was so offended, and had absolutely no idea who this Nellie McClung was.
Anna's Bytch Little Gems Sometimes I have to admit that I actually enjoy riding the streetcar in this city. (Please note that I said ‘streetcar’ and not ‘subway’ because, believe me, there is a difference.) I don’t know what it is about the subway system in Toronto, but it seems to bring out the very worst in people;
Anna's Bytch Selfish Bytch Once again Yours Truly finds herself walking down the Single Road, and, once again, Yours Truly is wondering just what it is that she puts out there that makes every emotionally crippled man within a fifty mile radius come knocking on her door.
Anna's Bytch CLIMBING Once again Yours Truly has been sent a little message from the Gods, and if you have been following me on my journey you’ll know that these little messages usually hit me with the force of a thunderbolt direct from the hand of Zeus himself.
Anna's Bytch And The Ban Goes On How wonderful life would be if I were a Georgia housewife with four kids and a white picket fence and nothing more to do with my time than to solve the world’s problems.
Anna's Bytch THE ANTS IN HER PANTS ‘Die you little bastard, DIE!’ I heard myself growl today as I hunched down on all fours. I could see him writhing in pain and it made me smile; I was on a mission to kill him and everyone like him and I was succeeding.
Anna's Bytch The End of an Era How many days have I spent dreaming of this moment? How many restless nights have been spent tossing and turning, hopelessly pleading that the universe would smile down on me and grant me this one small favor?
Anna's Bytch The Difference Between Once upon a time there lived a young woman named Anna, who had a mother who didn’t know the meaning of the phrase ‘too much information’.
Anna's Bytch A LIFE INTERRUPTED Close your eyes and imagine that you are seventeen years old and you are enjoying a leisurely afternoon by the pool with your friends all around you. It’s hot so you decide to take a dip; you stand up and walk to the diving board, and just as you hit the water you hear a strange crunching noise in your head.
Anna's
Bytch Changed
Ladies
and Gentlemen, I come
to you this week feeling
even more flummoxed than
usual. Remember awhile
back when Yours Truly
swore that she was finished
kissing frogs and was
seriously thinking of
taking up residence on
the isle of Lesbos?
Anna's
Bytch What
A Pisser Ladies and Gentlemen,
I come to you today sweaty,
disgusted and very amused.
After fourteen years of
fighting it I am finally
embracing my lot as a
full blown Torontonian,
and I have the public
transit system of this
city to thank for it
Anna's
Bytch Talking
With Cult Girl She was
covered from head to toe
in a thick wool garment
that completely hid her
form, and her head was
wrapped so tightly in
the same material that
it gave me a headache
just looking at her. She
was selling her jewellery
in the market when I came
upon her; she was wiping
the beads of sweat away
with one hand while shading
her eyes with the other.
She didn’t notice
me at first but I knew
her at a glance.
Anna's
Bytch The
Wanderer and the Neanderthal
It is with a sad heart
and a splitting headache
that I am writing this
article. World Cup fever
has hit Toronto once again,
and once again Yours Truly
is sitting in her apartment
wondering exactly what
it is about these games
that turns normally intelligent
people into raving lunatics.
Anna's
Bytch THE
SKATER AND THE PSYCHO
Ever had one of those
weeks where it seems that
every creepy, idiotic,
cracked out whack job
in the known universe
decides to unload all
of their neurosis on you?
Well, welcome to my life.
It seems that with each
avenue I explore in my
quest to heal myself,
I run into a man who tries
to beat me back down again
Anna's
Bytch THE
THING ABOUT THOTH I don’t
know whether it’s
because I have deprived
myself of television stimulus
for the last week or if
it’s because I’m
a complete whack job,
but my dreams have been
so vivid that I’m
not sure if they are just
a part of my subconscious,
or if I am truly receiving
messages from the Gods.
Anna's
Bytch REALITY BITES
I can’t believe I’m saying
this but after thirty-four years of
abuse I am finally ready to admit
that I have an addiction. My name
is Anna and I am a Televisionaholic.
I can’t tell you how I let myself
become so addicted but it has gotten
so bad lately that I have really begun
to scare myself. Just how bad is it?
Last night I stayed up to watch ‘Paris
Hilton’s Most Shocking Television
Moments’.
Anna's
BytchThe Price Of A Ticket Once again
Toronto has shown the world that it is a haven
for senseless violence. Two days ago a seventeen
year old boy was stabbed to death because he refused
to give up his bus ticket.
Anna's
Bytch It’s A We Thing Call me
bitter if you want but nothing bothers me more
than a woman who is so caught up in her relationship
that the term ‘I’ no longer seems to
exist in her vocabulary.
Anna's
Bytch David Hasselhoff on Ice You know
I’m used to people trying to analyze my dreams
but I defy anyone to make sense of this one. Ever
since I was a young child I have had a series of therapists
try and dissect my dreams and most simply just gave
up and passed me off as a whack job.
Anna's
Bytch Detoxified I’ve come to understand
that I am the human equivalent of a toxic waste dump.
For thirty four years I have been living in the shadow
of a huge neon sign that reads "Dump Your Shit Here
‘Cause This Gal Won’t Mind", and I haven’t
until now. For the last few months I have been literally
cleaning house, I have been going through the dark closets
of my house and my mind and I have been throwing out all
the moldy and tattered things that seem to have accumulated
over the years.
Anna's
Bytch Daughter of the Queen Isn’t it funny
how things become the most clear when you decide you just
don’t give a fuck anymore? It seems strange to me
to be writing this but I honestly feel like I’ve
been given a little gift this week: I was given the chance
to see my behavior in someone else and it has opened my
eyes completely.
Anna's
Bytch To Botox Or Not To Botox I have been
called many things in my life, some nice and some not
so nice, and I have tried not to let them affect me, but
this week I was called something that really shocked me.
This week I came to the understanding that I have entered
the Ma’am phase.
Anna's
Bytch MEDICATED As I continue my quest to start
my own religion I have been confronted with the fact that
some people think that I have become slightly unhinged.
When I mentioned this idea to a certain individual this
week he decided that medication was needed immediately.
Anna's
Bytch BYTCHISM Once upon a time there was a
slightly neurotic thirty-four year old woman who worked
in a gym, and every day this slightly neurotic thirty-four
year old woman would wonder why she somehow managed to
always piss off every religious fanatic that came within
fifty yards of her.
Anna's
Bytch RANDOM ACTS Close your eyes and picture
this if you can: it’s Boxing Day, one of the busiest
shopping days of the year and everywhere you look there
are masses of people on the sidewalk, all of them hoping
to find a bargain.
Anna's
Bytch THE
INTERVIEW I
don’t know about the rest of the world but nothing
scares me as much as being interviewed for a new job.
Many of my mates have expressed feelings of frustration,
anxiety and exasperation when I asked them how they’ve
felt in the interview process, but none of them have come
clean and expressed out and out fear.
Anna's
Bytch HELL IN A HAND BASKET Why is it that everything
always goes wrong when my friend Fish comes for a visit?
I mean it I could be having the best life, I could be
a multi-millionaire, have twelve books on the best seller
list and have Colin Farrell in my bed but as soon
as the words ‘I’m coming for a visit’ are
uttered, my life always goes to Hell in a hand basket.
I don’t know what it is about Fish and I but bad
luck seemsto follow us wherever we go.
Anna's
Bytch
The
Rules No I’m not talking about those ridiculous dating
books that supposedly teach women how to be in control,
I’m talking about a set of rules that were laid out
for me this week by the man formerly known as The Crush.
The Crush and I haven’t had much to do with each
other since he dropped his version of the atomic bomb
on me a few months back by telling me that not only did
he have a serious girlfriend but that he was actually
marrying her.
Anna's
Bytch
THE
BIRDMAN THE BANSHEE AND THE MISBEHAVING BUDDHA Ever
had one of those weeks when you think that you’re the
only normal person left on the planet and that everyone
else has lost their marbles? Well I know I am in no way
shape or form anywhere near what people would term normal
and yet I have been made aware that I might just be the
only sane person left in my little corner of the world.
Anna's
Bytch
A
Rude Awakening Ladies
and Gentlemen please put your hands together and give a
big I Told You So to Anna, the record holder and current
champion for Most Naïve Woman In The Whole Friggin’
Universe! Yes, once again Yours Truly has been taken for
a ride. Just when I thought I had everything under control
in walks my old pal Rupert like a big ole tornado and completely
turns my life upside down. You do remember Rupert don’t
you?
Anna's
Bytch
WANNA
BE MARTHA Will
someone please tell me why some people can go into a kitchen
and create a culinary masterpiece in five minutes without
even breaking a sweat, while others (namely me) can spend
all day in hell (the aforementioned kitchen) and come out
with nothing to show for it except an extremely short fuse?
I have never been able to understand how some people can ‘whip a little something up’ using a can of stewed
tomatoes and a piece of bread and have it come out tasting
like heaven on earth, (Yes Diana, I AM talking about you!)
while the only thing I seem to be able to ‘whip up’
is my anger at not being able to ‘whip’ anything
up.
Anna's
Bytch
MONDAY,
MONDAYNow
before you start thinking this is an ode to The Mamas and
Papas, I want to let you in on a little secret: I am a Monday
Girl. Don’t know what that is? Ever heard someone say
‘I’m starting it on Monday’?
Anna's
Bytch
Joycie
She
didn’t win a Nobel Peace Prize, she didn’t write
a best selling novel or run for president, she didn’t
even get the chance to go to university, in fact she spent
most of her life struggling to make ends meet. My grandmother
led a life of struggle and sacrifice, a life that ended
on Tuesday.
Anna's
Bytch
Jerry
Springer Don’t Got Nothin’ On Me It’s
finally happened. My life has become so bizarre that the
only thing I can liken it to is a bad episode of The Jerry
Springer show. Think I’m exaggerating?
Anna's
Bytch
You
Don’t Bring Me Flowers So I Bought
Them Myself I
had one of my moments of absolute
clarity when I was walking down my
street this afternoon and as usual
it made me stop dead in my tracks.
Anna's
Bytch
THE
WORLD ACCORDING TO RALPH
Heaven help anyone in Alberta who
ever decides to come out of the closet
because according to Premier Ralph
Klein they are going straight to hell
in a hand basket. Now Premier Klein
has never been a supporter of Gay
Rights but he has really outdone himself
this time.
Anna's
Bytch
Work
It
Baby.
I
can
use
a
lot
of
words
to
describe
myself
but
sexy
just
ain’t
one
of
‘em.
Now
I’m
not
saying
that
I’m
attractive,
but
thinking
you’re
attractive
and
thinking
that
you’re
sexy
are
two
completely
different
things.
Anna's
Bytch - THE ART OF GETTING A LIFE For the last couple
of weeks I have been doing a lot of downsizing.
I have been slowly peeling away layers of
me and I am amazed at what I’ve found
so far. My reason for doing this is quite
simple, I came very close to hitting rock
bottom a few weeks ago and I really thought
that I didn’t have anyone to help me
pick up the pieces because I had isolated
myself so much in the last few months that
I really didn’t think that anyone would
care anymore.
Anna's
Bytch - Things
Unsaid I
wish I could say that I’m happy about
writing this article but I’m not. I wanted
to write about how wonderful these last weeks
have been but something has been keeping me
back. I’ve had extremely beautiful things
happen to me, meeting Rupert being the best,
but things have still been haunting me
Anna's
Bytch - Meeting
RupertI’ve
said it before and I’ll say it again: I
absolutely suck at dating. Up until a week ago
I was of the opinion that I should just give
up completely and accept my role as Spinster
and Crazy Cat Woman; I mean I’m already
half way there, you know there’s a problem
when your longest lasting relationship has been
with a seventeen pound ginger tabby that drools.
Anna's
Bytch - Watch
Out Rocky… Never
in my life did I ever think I would find myself
in front of a punching bag but that’s exactly
where I’ve been spending most of my time
these last few weeks. That’s right, me, the
person who used to break out in hives at the mere
mention of exercise, and who cannot stand the
place where she works has actually been going
into that cesspool early to (gasp!) work out.
Anna's
Bytch - Pay
No Attention To The Woman With The Shotgun She’s
Just PMS-ing.
I
have to be completely honest here; I have never been
a rational person. Okay, for those of you who read
my articles and know how I tend to react in stressful
situations this may not come as a surprise but for
the last two weeks my emotions have been in over drive.
Anna's
Bytch - Hey
Baby, What’s Your Sign? There are many things in life
that I do quite well, I can cook a mean stew, run a mile
in seven minutes, write about anything and nothing at the
same time and I have a very green thumb, but I think it’s
about time that I just come right out and admit that I suck
at dating.
Anna's
Bytch - THAT’S
NO RAT’S NEST THAT’S MY HAIR How
do you mend a broken heart? Do you devour the entire contents
of your fridge including those items that are way past their
Best Before date or do you pray at the Jack Daniels altar
hoping that good ol’ Jack will take away your pain?
Anna's
Bytch -The
Bytch Ain’t A Mother…Yet. Will someone
please tell me why people assume that just because a woman
is in her thirties she should automatically be in full Mother
mode? Is it written somewhere that once a woman hits thirty
she should have offspring biting her ankles and –even
worse- her nipples
Anna's
Bytch - 976-WITCH
I am the Devil’s spawn. I am a cult member. I fornicate
with the Devil; I manipulate and seduce good God fearing
people every day. I am responsible for the catastrophic
events that happen around me and I dance naked and sacrifice
newborn babies as I howl under the full moon.
Anna's
Bytch - Stand
Back, The Bytch Can Kick! I don’t know whether it’s
because I haven’t had a normal night’s sleep since
Christmas Eve or whether it’s because I’m growing
bitter in my semi-old age, but I have never been so angry
in all my life. It feels amazing.
Anna's
Bytch - SPIDERS
AND WEBS, CREEPS AND CRUSHES Oh, what a tangled web we weave…or
perhaps it’s more appropriate to say that the web has
been woven around me and I haven’t been capable of
extricating myself. Once again I have been dragging my sorry
and slightly flabby arse into the world’s largest and
strongest spider web (a.k.a. my job) and every night I’ve
left feeling like I’ve spent my day in a ring with
Mike Tyson because I’ve been sucker punched and bitten
so much that every ounce of blood and self-respect has been
drained from my body.
Anna's
Bytch - ONE
SMALL STEP FOR ANNA… I have come to terms with the
knowledge that that my luck in dating is exactly like my
luck in neighbors because in the past disaster struck every
time I made a move.
Anna's
Bytch - THE
WELCOME WAGON DON’T STOP HERE NO MORE It seems to me
that some people have bad luck with money while others have
bad luck with relationships, but I seem to be the only one
who has bad luck with neighbors. Or maybe I have no luck
at all because once again I have found myself dealing with
a neighbor who seems to delight in making my life hell.
Anna's
Bytch - The Bytch May Be Blonde But She Ain’t Dumb.
Or desperate for that matter. In fact this Bytch is so far
from being the stereotypical Chrissy Snow/boob jiggling/leg
spreading/ bubble headed type that it’s truly laughable,
but apparently according to some members of the opposite
sex that is exactly what I am. But before I go any further
I must explain two things: I have been fighting the ‘dumb
blonde’ tag my whole life, and I work in a gym surrounded
by muscle bound men who are thicker than a universe of dumb
blondes.
Anna's
Bytch - CONFESSIONS
OF A CHICKLIT Nothing
bothers me more than people who air their views on the literature
that I’m reading without my asking them to. Correction,
nothing bothers me more than people who think they’re
well read and In The Know when in actual fact they haven’t
got a bloody clue.
Anna's
Bytch - THE
MOVING DEMON Haven’t
you ever wondered why everything seems to go wrong on the
very day that you are moving everything that you own? I
mean, doesn’t it seem strange that your life can be
going along swimmingly with not a ripple in sight the entire
time that you’re packing up your old place, but as
soon as those boxes find their way outside your old door
all hell literally breaks loose?
Anna's
Bytch - THE
NEIGHBOR STRIKES AGAIN He’s
baaaack. That’s right, just when I thought it was safe
to venture into my backyard once again the neighbor from
hell has returned with a vengeance.
Anna's
Bytch - On A Mission There is absolutely no way for
me to convey the chaos that surrounds my life right now.
It seems to me that as soon as one stressful situation comes
to an end another one rears its ugly head
Anna's
Bytch -ODE TO THE UNREQUITED Correct me if I’m
wrong but aren’t we supposed to cease having crushes
in or around the time when our pubescent acne clears up?
Anna's
Bytch -
MY NEIGHBOR MR. HYDE There is no way that I can possibly
describe the revulsion I felt when I looked out into my
beautiful backyard last night and saw my sixty-year old
neighbor standing there in nothing but his tighty whiteys.
Anna's
Bytch - HARRY
POTTER, WHERE ARE YOU? I know that it might seem like a
strange thing to be thinking about, but in light of recent
events I find myself wondering more and more what the world
would be like if Harry Potter were the President of United
States and not George W. Bush.
Anna's
Bytch - NO
SCENTS AT ALL I
am the first to admit that my sense of smell sometimes gets
me into a lot of trouble with the opposite sex. In fact
I think it’s safe to say that my old schnozz has cost
me more than my fair share of dates on a Saturday night.
Anna's
Bytch -
WAX
ON WAX OFF Everybody
deals with stress in different ways, some people go to their
nearest church and pray to their God, and others go to their
nearest bar and pray to their God Jack Daniels.
Anna's
Bytch - THE
IDEA OF A MAN Isn’t it funny the things that we remember?
I can remember the day I learned to tie my shoes, I can
remember the day that we boarded the jumbo jet bound for
Canada, and I can remember the day that I found out that
Jesus Christ was just a guy
Anna's
Bytch - MAN
VS CAT I
had a very strange revelation this week and it’s one
that has been seven years in the making. It hit me with
the force of an anvil yesterday when I woke up alone and
covered in cat hair, that I have had longer lasting and
deeper relationships with my cats than I have ever had with
any man in my entire life.
Anna's
Bytch - THE
GODS MUST BE LAUGHING Ever had the feeling that you’re
just a puppet being pulled by someone else’s strings?
Or the feeling that the entire universe is in on a joke
and you’re the only one who doesn’t get the punchline?
Anna's
Bytch - IF
YOU CAN’T THINK OF ANYTHING NICE TO SAY… I was
three years old when I got into my first fistfight. I remember
it clearly because it was also the day that my family and
I had immigrated to Canada from England.
he