A Breakup Tale In So Many Parts
Part 26 & 27
Part 26:  33 days, 19 hours, 16 minutes since you left me...

Everyone who has looked at me or "Winked" at me on Match.com is not what I am looking for. Everyone I think is groovy, I frighten away.

Alright, I'm a snob, an elitist, and people would say I should take what I should get with my waistline. But with these tits? No way.

I already settled on you, you limped dicked, penis loving, diaper wearing mama's boy... I settled for a man who was afraid to write checks. You were a man who never learned to drive. You lied, you broke promises; you refused to wax your back when I shaved my legs all the time because you liked "a smooth leg".

Every other day I need to let this anger go and take a bath with salts and candles to release the tension in my neck and back. Then the tension comes back and sits like an impotent, resentful, closeted monkey who writes bad sketch comedy and envies my success.

"This is my more talented charge. I put the weight of the world on her."

Part 27:  34 days, hours, 3 minutes since you left me...

You aren't hearing me.

There is no scale, no ruler, no possible way to possibly measure my frustration with you. I am popping out of my skin. My fingertips are burning. There is is cold air rushing out of my head. My hands shake into claw formation when I have to type an email to you or write about your pathetic self in this blog.

God, you make me so sickeningly angry.

You
are
not
hearing
me.

For the last four weeks, we have been in agreement on one subject: that we would have a mediator. So I get this email yesterday.

The Dance of The Assholes

A Play

by You And Me

You: I am looking into arbitrator/lawyers as that is what we would need to draw up papers.

Me: For what?

You: Separation

Me: I thought we were getting a mediator.

You: I cannot afford going through a process with a mediator and then going through a process through a litigator, especially when the litigator can handle the issues of rent as well.

Me: There are more issues that just rent. There's the insurance issue. There's (the project we were working on), there are other issues. "Many people simply want to be heard and understood in the divorce process. However, on their own this can get out of control, as each person triggers anger and resentment in the other -- often unintentionally. A mediator trained in counseling can assist the parties in acknowledging feelings but not allowing feelings to control the decision-making process".

You do not respond.

Me: Look, I understand that you've been "Saying yes to things you haven't wanted to say yes to for..." what, like, ten years, now... and you're "not going to do it anymore". We all get that, ok? But you have to still be considerate of other people, You. Even me. Even though you hate and resent me. In our ways, we have been considerate along the way through the fighting and I am asking that we get a mediator otherwise you know this will explode. Is that what you want?

You: You do not have to send me four emails pleading your case. When I don't write back write away, it is probably because I have limited internet access or I am in the middle of other things.

And you cannot have the both ways. You tell me you are not going to make things easy and that the divorce will not go uncontested, yet you want me to go through all these hoops. If you want a mediator, I suggest you help me look for one because ****'s is $400 an hour and that is not an expense I can take on. I also cannot pay for two lawyers. We are going to have to get a lawyer at some point. Separations require it. I thought the lawyer would be able to settle everything between us. If you think that is not possible, then by all means bring on a mediator. I cannot commit to paying for it until I know the pricing. Right now, things are very tight.

And stop with the bullshit about how I hate you and resent you. That may work for the fans of your blog. But it is an unnecessary added wedge in these already trying interactions.

Me: I thought you didn't care about the blog.

"I have so much anger and resentment towards you"-- You, the night you left me

I proceed to stand my ground and state the things that I expect from you, then, in the coming year and settlement.

The End

You certainly don't behave humanely towards me. You act as if you hate me. You are passive/aggressive, you lie to me and try to manipulate me. You don't tell me any different. You have never apologized for the lies you told others or the things you said the night you left... so I will continue to assume. I will make an ass out of u and me, thank you very much.

Jerk.

I hate you, does that help? And the "fans" of my blog hate you, too. We're making t-shirts! Be-damned-dazzled!

Idiot.

When my Mother said, "What if she hurts herself?" you said, "It's not my problem".

And you don't hate me? Preeeeeetty sneaky, sis.

I told my therapist that I felt like you were just trying to beat me down. That you wanted to wear me out and make me give up. I don't know, maybe it's because I felt that way. She said she saw the opposite. She said you wanted a fight; you wanted to fight me, so you didn't have to look at yourself. She thinks you're ambivalent. She said she could hear your asshole tightening.

And yet, through all of this, what do I focus on? That I can't wrap my mind around where the man I knew went. It's like trying to figure out what infinity is; what was there before God or the universe.

It's endless and vast.

I come home and engage in interminable crying, cradling my head in my hands, wondering when this switch happened and trying to convince the core of my being that it wasn't my fault.

...trying to ground myself; to know that my core isn't rotten to my very soul.