A Breakup Tale In So Many Parts

Parts 53 and 54

Part 53: 58 days, 14 nours, 45 minutes since you left me...

My Mental Hairdo has bed head.
Foggy and disheveled.

Who's this guy next to me? Who am I? How did I get into this t-shirt? What band is on it? In what state am I? Why do birds suddenly appear? Do I like rice? Is he going to remember this tomorrow? Am I? Did I see you on the lake with your brain today? Do I smell feet and Wheat Thins?

Went to the casino last night with my Mom and Brother. You would've hated it, but I won some cashola to buy jeans that fit my shrinking bee-hind. Got home late. Got up early.

Still cried myself to sleep, thank you. Still take the blame for everything as I walk the earth with a finger pointed directly at my strong, puffed chest.

Can't wait to get away from here and back to NYC to deal with your shit.

It's always some one's I have to deal with, isn't it?

Especially mine.

*Sigh*

Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. 

Gotta go find ma' comb...

________________________________________________________________________

Part 54: 60 days, 8 hours, 48 minutes since you left me...

Two months... well, almost two months, give or take a few days, since you left.
Wow.
And it just seems to be settling in now. I don't mean the whole, "Oh, God, I love and miss him so, ho ho ho ho much". No, I mean--
Hellllllllllllllll. This is it, ain't it? I mean, for reals, as 'dey say in 'da Bronx. It's mostly nice and kinda scary, as 'dey say in ma' brain.
It's frustrating for me, knowing I can't rush it along.

Oh, I'll just take a pottery class, do Hatha yoga, learn some stitchery, join a book club, start going back to AA and get a home meeting and focus on me now and I'll be fine in a few months.

It's longer than a few months. Well, maybe not for you. Maybe it happened for you a few months before. Maybe you were in the pupal stages and packing that big ol' bag was when your wings began to sprout.

Was Mariah Carey's "Butterfly" soaring through your head as your traipsed your fat ass up the boulevard, you wimp?

BE NICE!

How long will it take for me to let go (and let God, as they say in The Program?) and be nice?

My lawyer called me while I was still here in Louisiana. You and your lawyer have seemed to have agreed to our terms.

What?

Which means this will be easy.

Which means he wants out out out out out OUT OUT OUT, you crazy bitch.

I always look on the bright side of life (whistle ala Monty Python).

No, it means that you want this over as quickly as I do so that you can move on as well. I appreciate that you are not haggling over money issues and your responsibilities. Shocked, but appreciative.

MY life is beginning again.

Remember that. Remember that. Remember that!

I leave Louisiana today.

My alcoholic best friend is drinking himself to death and he doesn't care. He is killing himself, he is killing his family, and he has killed our friendship. He has destroyed our relationship and pushed me so far away that I can't even recognize him anymore. I don't know what he looks like. I tried so frantically to hang onto him, thinking I could save him and make him see the truth and the light and the good, and I turned myself into something that he, and I, hated. I became that person that gives up their self-control, their self-esteem, their pride... I have been where he is, with alcohol, drugs and food, hell, even with cigarettes; that place where you can't control it, you have to have it and you are ashamed to have the people closest to you see you use it, so you get angry at yourself and then you lash out at them, you become angry and snap and you say the cruelest things. That is what happened to my friend. I wanted him to open up his heart to me and just be happy and not drink around me, because I'm 11 years sober... but that was asking too much.

I'm sorry I asked that of him. The moment I smelled it on him, I should have walked away. But I thought I would be the catalyst, I would be the safe place, and I would be the difference... I saw him open up so wide when we first were together that first time, so completely and wholly, I didn't realize how much it frightened him. I didn't understand the thoughts that may have come after: she doesn't drink, I'm an alcoholic, I live here, what am I feeling, she lives there, I haven't seen her in so long, this isn't real, I can't let this happen, this is futile... God knows what other things it could have brought up, while I'm thinking, Go with it, this is fun! If it feels good, do it! I'm just a hippie at heart. And I trusted him. And I love him dearly.

I never really thought of these things, I was so confused until I talked to my family and friends and they shed light on it for me. I hadn't dealt with alcoholic behavior in so long. Now I see it clearly. Majority rules. As much as I try not to believe it, as much as he may try to deny it, they're right. He got scared of his feelings and he ran away. And he pushed me away with a mace covered in the sharpest barbed wire he could find.

So, I sit here, cut and bleeding, licking my wounds. My Mother said, "He cut you off, you cut him off", as Christian as she is. I said, "No, I am always here should he needs me". Because I'm a SUCKA! And, even now, listen to me, I still blame myself, like the co-dependent weakling I am... "I should have", "I shouldn't have"... Damn Me! Alcoholics! Damnitt! They are sooooo good, aren't they? Especially when you care about them to rescind the very best. BLAR! BLAR! BLAR! I'm glad I'm only here for 2 and 1/2 days for Christmas. I'm glad I hardly ever come here. I'm glad all my friends moved to cooler places. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I care about people so much? Why do I let my best friend shit all over me and then I still care?!!? Who cares if he's in love with me and can't deal? That's his problem! GAAAAWWWWDDDD DAMMMMNNNITTT, I am soooo mad at myselffffff!

I mostly worry about his son. My concern is for his child. Because he is the innocent one.  That happens to me.  But I'm also in a place where I am vulnerable.  Well, allowing myself to be, anyways.  

Always allowing myself to be.
It's not my business now, is it?

All of this, everything above... it's all about letting go, yes?

You leaving, him leaving... me moving on and starting my life again, starting anew...
all about letting go, yes?
Starting a new life.

Starting over.

Yes.
A BIG Yes.
YES.
I must say it again and again...
YES.