A Breakup Tale In So Many Parts
Part 52
Part 52: 57 days, 9 hours, 24 minutes since you left me...
You took a part of me with you when you left.
You took the part of me that relegates my emotional self-control.
You took my belief in everyone I love. For you were the one I loved the most.
I don't take a moment to think about what's going on, as if I'm on the battlefield. My reflexes are razor sharp and my tears will abscond and transform into defenses at the hint of a shot to my heart. There is no time to process what is being said or asked of me, there is only time to react.
To what? I don't always know.
To whom? To everyone.
Because you pocketed my trust on the fly, even those that I am supposed to trust the most in this world have become foreigners to me.
No one knows who I am right now or of what I am capable. No one knows what I need because I cannot tell them in anything but spastic spurts of incoherent jabbering, while my hands wring and my throat tightens. Those closest to me break away from my insanity and furlough with beautiful, more majestic and balanced creatures.
You took affection and intimacy from me like chunks when the Berlin Wall came down; little souvenirs with my name scrawled across them, written in my non-dominant hand like a child. And I can't just get it back. I can't just give it to anyone, because you bagged my faith in the common man as a worthy recipient of my body and my heart.
I tried, you thieving jerk. I hate you now more than ever. I chose, chose, someone that I believed I could trust implicitly with my body and my sexuality and intimacy. Someone I had no romantic ties to; someone I knew would be the exact opposite of what you were... what you never were. Someone whose arms I felt safe and comfortable in, but who was just my friend and with whom I did not want to continue that kind of affair. I just wanted to, I guess, renew that part of myself.
But youuuuuuuuuuuu... you had to perch in the back of my mind like an oxidized gargoyle, grinning with pointed incisors, waiting for the kill. Well, listen up, you slimy worm: when he grabbed the back of my hair and put his lips to mine, it was as if I was being kissed by a man for the first time in my life. Forget anything sexual. Just to have a real man's arms around me, to have someone with whom I felt like a woman again, someone who actually said my name... oh, ho...ho...ho... you suck and blow, my small, small man... you are a child. And that I was with a person that I completely trusted--
Ho-ho-hold on, there, missy. No nononononononono. Remember: they lie. They betray. They cheat. They steal. BE-WARE. It doesn't matter who you're laying down with tonight, you're waking up with all of them in the morning...
Steeeeeeeeeeee-RIKE went the slimy gargoyle, flying down from the outside of the abbey, digging his talons into my neck... and my blood and guts and confidence and glory spilled out for everyone to see.
"Hel-LO", said my guts, as my good friend slipped around in them, as I wrung my hands and tightened my throat and he looked for the nearest exits.
And oh, all was well and good until it came to my elaborate, ridiculous, conscientious, consequential intentions that were laid out so perfectly that they ruined everything I had begun to want or need.
You, you little creature, invisibly nibbled on my neck--
It was a mistake-- he said
You looked at me greedily, awaiting my response--
Okay-- I said
My dignity, in shreds, hung from your front teeth like seal from a great white--
Not okay... I put my head down and wept, humiliated
You opened a small hole in my neck and let the blood trickle out--
I'm sorry.
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
More breaches in my jugular, in my heart, in my chest... you broke me down--
I thought--
I wanted--
I needed--
I trusted--
I'm sorry...
You laughed, "You thought? That he wanted you? You wanted? Someone to make you feel alive as a woman? You needed? That spark after 4 long years? You trusted? Him? Me? Anyone? You're sorry?
Yes, you are."
So, even though I could take from him what I needed, he couldn't give it to me. Not even to hold me. I was sick. Sick with anger, sick with disappointment, sick with sadness and sick with fear that I will never, ever have this chance again with someone I love and trust without fear of being hurt.
Ah- ha! I was hurt. I-ron-y.
You were sooooo happy, yes, as you flew back to your station and curled your wings around your head and fell back to sleep?
I awoke the same. Ill on every level. Afraid to speak about it. Afraid. Drained.
Then I drained him. Drained him of every emotion, every ounce of energy he had, trying to understand what happened; trying to explain to him what you took from me. It all went back to the beginning... "No one knows what I need because I cannot tell them in anything but spastic spurts of incoherent jabbering, while my hands wring and my throat tightens. Those closest to me break away from my insanity and furlough with beautiful, more majestic and balanced creatures".
And he ran away. My dearest friend. My best friend. The person I love and trust most in the whole world. Not even he could take me anymore. "Break" time.
I wasn't mad at him. I understood. He could only do what was right for himself. He had to save himself. He is good. He is light and I am darkness. He is balance and I am the upset. He is the dynamite and I light the fuse. He felt is was a "mistake". I couldn't fault him for feeling what he did. I love him unconditionally. He is my friend and I'd do anything for him. That's why I'll let him go.
I was mad at YOU.
I was mad at ME.
But I mostly mad at myself for being weak. Not weak for crying. Not weak for explaining how you hurt me or took things away from me...
I felt weak... because I, who am so strong, so steadfast... !head up, shoulders back!... when he said to me--
It was a mistake...
I cried out, inside, I fell to the floor and I cried out, with every, single fiber that was in me:
"Please, no, please don't take this away from me. Please, not this. Don't give that night to me and then take it away. Don't call it a mistake. Please. I'll fix it. Tell me what to do to fix it, to take it back to where it was the other night... please, this means so much to me right now. Please, just kissing and holding and laughing. No... please, no... I trust you, you don't understand how rare that it... you don't understand what my father and those other people-- you don't understand how hard it is for me to trust... Please! My life has been SO HARD I JUST NEED THIS LITTLE BREAK. I want to take it with me, to carry it with me for a little while. Please please... Stay. Give me this, please. Believe in me. Oh, God, no, please don't take this away from me!!".
But I had already taken it away.
I had already done that all by myself.
Because that's what I do.
And now I sit, emptied again.
You took a part of me with you when you left.