A Breakup Tale in So Many Parts
By Adrianne Frost
Part 2: 3 days, 11 hours and 34 minutes since you left
Today I woke up and started the new regiment for our... my sick cat. Then I went out to get breakfast. I'm not all that hungry. That's a great thing. I'm hoping I'll be upset for a while. I'm hoping I'll be upset long enough to lose thirty pounds in three weeks to make you eat your pitiful, mother frigging heart out the next time I see you. I can lose those thirty pounds. You can't lose being an asshole.
I am Erica Kane. I am a Jennifer Weiner novel. I am In Someone's Shoes.
Today I still love and hate you.
I don't want to do anything today. But I will.
I had quit smoking for four months. I started again the night you left.
I've been sober for eleven years. And I still am. Eat a bag of dicks, jerk. This is not going to make me drink.
I'm taking all of my meds.
I'm still five kinds of crazy.
I told myself that I was going to rearrange the furniture in the living room to create "my own home", but so far I'm just watching "Proof of Life" and wondering how, if Meg Ryan and Russell Crowe couldn't make it... how can anyone? And God, she has a trout pout.
Yesterday, I got an email from an old buddy who moved back to NYC last week. He said "I'm so glad you guys are still together! 2/3 of marriages end in divorce..." I wrote him back, "Send this to (you)". I hope it hits you like a tetherball in your man boobs, you hairy monkey.
I loathe you.
Today, these are the things I don't miss about you:

1. You picked your nose all of the time
   
2. You compulsively pulled mats off of the cats
   
3. You took big shits with the bathroom door open
   
4. You had awful B.O., like from a foot away
   
5. You had a visceral reaction to working out
   
6. You wouldn't learn how to drive
   
7. You never shopped for yourself
   
8. You hated writing checks
   
9. You ignored responsibility
   
10. You sat a lot
    
11. You manipulated through inaction
    
12. You were terrified of your Father
    
13. You withheld anger
    
14. You left your toenail clippings around
    
15. You never made up your side of the bed
    
16. You wouldn't wax your back
    
17. You wouldn't give the cat his subcutaneous fluids
    
18. You became hypnotized by the television
    
19. You sighed
    
20. Viagra made "your heart race", so you stopped trying anything
    

Today, it's been 3 days, 11 hours and 34 minutes since you packed my Samsonite bag and walked out the door like you were on some Telemundo soap for fat, lazy, wimps with back hair and Mama issues who are having mid-life crisis.
I didn't know David Caruso was in this movie!
Today, I'm supposed to go meet my dear friend Davey*, a personal trainer, at my gym, to work out for an hour. It's going to make me feel better, I guess. I just want to sleep until I don't feel sick and betrayed and lonely and until I don't love you anymore.
I want to list the things I miss about you. But I can't right now. Maybe later. If I can stand to do it.
I'm too busy gazing at my navel and thinking of excuses to stay on the couch.
I didn't know David Morse was in this movie!
"Outbreak" comes on next. We watched that together.
One time...
------------------------------------------------
Today, right now, it's been 3 days, 12 hours and 34 minutes since you left in your shorts and mandals.
I got up off the couch and dismantled the your favorite framed Magritte, the one hanging above the desk that always distracted me, The Castle. I love the picture, but it was so dark. It was so uninspiring to me. But it was your favey, so I framed it myself with that steel grey metal frame. Suprise! Asshole. That's so the wrong thing to do for a grown woman. But I was molested, so I can do things like that.
Today, I took a bunch of pictures of us out of their nice frames and put other pictures in the frames and hung them. I did things that you were supposed to do, like change light bulbs and batteries.
You say caretaker, I say husband. Of course, a husband is supposed to make love to you... so...
Caretaker it is (as the ghosts of the young, former Price Is Right models wave their hands and show you to your trailer and '74 Mustang but oh, no, you don't drive because you never learned how to drive you Mama's boy)!!! Congrats!
I scooped the litter boxes and took out the trash, which were your jobs. I didn't mind so much. I just wished you were here to do them.
Today I hoped you would break something in two days because you will be uninsured.
Today I wished I could tell you I was leaving the house on a Saturday for the first time in months because I finally feel well enough to.
But you gave up and you never gave me a chance. You got "tired of trying"; "tired of waiting".
I'm navel gazing about 75% of the time right now. But, until I lose a good 10 pounds, it's not that easy to see it.