::Shebytches::

Has it ever happened to you that you read the bio of some scientist in a magazine or in the newspaper and you say, "Wow! This guy was thinking about calculus when he was three! I think I was potty-trained at three." It's happened to me a lot, mostly when reading the "Profile" section of the Scientific American. All the scientists always have these stories about inspirational high school teachers who saw their genius at an early age and other such stuff. Anyways, I've always found this slightly suspicious. It's one thing for a few scientists to have these amazing stories, but it's another for each and every one of them to have such exceptional experiences. What I think happens is that a little creative license is taken in writing-up scientist profiles. To illustrate what I mean, I have imagined up a physicist by the name of Robert Essersson. What follows is an excerpt of his profile as it would be written in a scientific magazine. (NOTE: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidental. Really.)

Published Profile Of Robert Essersson

Robert Essersson became fascinated with science at an early age. His father, a noted archaeologist, instilled in Robert a love for inquisitive thought and a desire to look below the surface of things. His love of learning was encouraged by his mother, a school teacher. "My mother would always say to me 'knowledge is food for the mind.' She would joke that it was the only food you could consume as much as you wanted and never get fat!"

Robert's family lived in Outskirtland, a small town just outside of Bigville. Robert, the oldest of three children, would often skip stones at the local pond. That was where he first became interested in Ballistic Undulating Laminar Layers in fluids. "I would look at the way the stones skipped and wondered how they interacted with the water." When Robert was, 14, though, tragedy hit. His father, an outspoken individual, was blacklisted for his controversial socialist ideas. "My dad wasn't really into towing the party line," says Essersson. "That ultimately ended his career in archeology." The family fell on hard times and Robert's father began taking odd jobs around town. Robert offered to drop out of school and help out the family. "I wanted to go to work and help out. My family had to sell the car to make ends meet. I had to walk about three miles to get to school everyday," recalls Essersson. Fortunately for Essersson, his high school physics teacher, Mr. Benevent, recognized his potential and insisted Robert stay in school. Benevent took Robert under his wing and they spent hours together discussing physics and doing advanced Physics projects. "If it hadn't been for Mr. Benevent, I would still be living in Outskirtland, working as a short-order cook!"

After high school, Essersson attended the local community college, the only educational institution he could afford. At college another twist of fate helped Essersson. His Physics professors, Dr. Frantz Wurtzheimerstein, saw a spark in Essersson. Essersson clearly recalls his fateful encounter with Wurtzheimerstein, "I was in his class one day when Frantz started pacing down the aisles. He saw some equations I had scribbled in the margins and asked me to come see him during office hours" Essersson thought he was in trouble for not paying attention, but this wasn't the case, "Frantz wanted me to attend grad school."

Wurtzheimerstein arranged for Essersson to attend graduate school at BigTen University at Outtastate. The rest, as they say, is history. Essersson went on to be the world's foremost authority on Ballistic Undulating Laminar Layers in Singular Hypercube Intensity Trails (BULLSHIT).

Now, here's the story of how Robert Essersson really got into grad school.

Robert Essersson grew up in Outskirtland, a middle-class suburb of Bigville. His father, a foreman for a Bigville construction company, was nicknamed "The Archaeologist" by his workmates after he found an ancient bone at the site of a Native burial ground that was being excavated to make way for a new strip mall. Robert's mother had been an insurance underwriter until she decided to stay home to raise her three children, of which Robert was the eldest. Once her last child had entered school, she decided to return to the workforce, but could only find work in a daycare centre. The family fell on hard times when Robert's father spoke up against his union and lost his job. Robert, who was fourteen at the time, was on the verge of being expelled from school for poor attendance and disruption. "I used to tell Robert, 'If knowledge were food, he'd be the skinniest kid around,'" jokes Robert's mother. "Rob would spend all day trying to skip stones in the next door neighbour's pool. He broke so many windows and water filters that we had to sell the car to pay for the damages."

Fortunately for Robert, his high school physics teacher, Mr. Benevent, helped keep him in school. "I told the principal, 'I think Robert just needs a good kick in the butt," recalls Mr. Benevent. "I made Robert stay late every night and do his homework. I told him that if he didn't shape up he'd end up working as a short-order cook. His cousin was a short-order cook and he hated his cousin. Robert managed to graduate and I convinced him that if he went to community college he could make more than minimum wage."

At community college, Robert, known by then as "Rob the Knob," was unimpressive. His grades were mediocre and most of his professors had no idea who he was. That's why Dr. Frantz Wurtzheimerstein was so surprised to see Robert in his office one afternoon asking for a reference letter. "I had no idea who this kid was," remarks Wurtzheimerstein, who was teaching at the college after his contract at BigTen University at Outtastate wasn't renewed. "This kid, Robert, shows up during my lunch hour and asks me for a reference letter. I told him to come to my office hours. I had *six hours* of office time that day. Did he show up? No." At the next class, Wurtzheimestein noticed Robert, "He was doodling in the margins of his textbook! I'm talking about laminar flow, and he's drawing large-breasted women!" Robert tried again to ask for a reference letter the next week. "Rob shows up during my lunch hour *again.* I asked him if he could come back later and he said that he had a date that evening and he wanted to go home early to get ready. So I asked him what he wanted. Rob was pathetic. He wanted to get into grad school. He said that he didn't want to go back to work and wanted to stay in school. I wasn't impressed with him, but I called up one of my guys at BigTen and told him Rob was the next Einstein. I really wanted to get back at those bastards for dumping me for a younger prof they could pay less. They never gave me tenure, those assholes! Anyways, Rob got in."

Essersson and Wurtzheimerstein stayed in touch over the years. "Rob kept emailing me and coming to see me. He was actually a nice guy. Not dumb either. He wasn't the next Einstein, but he wasn't a total imbecile, either. I'm happy he found some success. He isn't the hardest working guy, so I know it must have been difficult for him. But, like he says, it sure beats getting a job!"