::Shebytches::

It's true. It turns out that there may be up to 500000 bacteria per square inch on your dish sponge alone! That's 500 times the acceptable level, you know. That's a lot of bacteria.

When I heard this on TV, I immediately ran out and bought one-use, disposable dish sponges, anti-bacterial dish soap and chlorine-based powder cleansers. Sure these things will eventually destroy the environment, but nothing is more important than making sure that my house is 100% germ free. NOTHING!

What do you mean that all soap is anti-bacterial? Puhleaze! If it were, you wouldn't need to buy the stuff that says "anti-bacterial" on the label. Plus, if soap were so good at killing off bacteria, wouldn't there be, like, no bacteria on a dishcloth? Eh? Gotcha there!

Anyways, it's not like I'm going to be alive when the Planet Earth finally dies because of all the gross crap we've thrown into the environment. Mind you, if the Earth gets destroyed by an asteroid in the next few years, I probably will be around to see the end of the planet. And being hit by an asteroid is way more likely to kill off the planet than anti-bacterial soap. Did you see that special on TV about asteroids? It was on last week after the special on the West Nile virus. The special on the West Nile virus was scary. You know that something like 60 people in Ontario got really sick from it two summers ago when the government didn't warn people about how serious West Nile virus is? That's so scary.

The population of Ontario? Oh, something like 10 million.

I don't see how my knowledge of statistics and probability has anything to do with this discussion.

Anyways, after seeing the West Nile virus report, I wear long sleeves and long pants all the time now. And I cover any skin that may be exposed to the elements with loads of DEET. And I've sprayed my whole house with anti-mosquito pesticide.

But at least the West Nile virus is outside. These bacteria, they're INSIDE my home. In my kitchen, no less. I could get salmonella. Or E.Coli. They're potentially fatal, you know. I could be incubating E.Coli as we speak!

What do you mean that you know I'm incubating E.Coli?

Uh.huh.

So you're telling me that E.Coli actually lives in my intestine? That's disgusting!

No, I don't understand the concept of "good" bacteria versus "bad" bacteria. It's BACTERIA, for chrissake! Bacteria is never good! It could be used as a bioweapon, you know. Didn't you see that show on the Bubonic Plague where they said that it could easily be weaponized? And, even if it isn't, there are cases of it in New Mexico. New Mexico is very close to Toronto.

I don't care that it's easily treated with antibiotics, it's the frikkin' PLAGUE!

Anyways, back to my kitchen. I am just so petrified now to go into it. What if I get bacteria on me and get sick? On TV they said that if you ever get stomach upset, it might be that you've been made sick by the bacteria in your kitchen.

What are your getting on about saying that if I'm not dead it just proves that my immune system is obviously capable of fighting it off?

No, I don't see how my immune system fits into this. Just because I'm not dead now doesn't mean that these bacteria won't kill me. They might, you know.

No, I'm not suffering from a suppressed immune system. Why? Do I look like I'm suffering from a suppressed immune system? I read somewhere that if your immune system is even slightly depressed, from say a cold or stress, you could get shingles.

No, I actually don't know anyone who's ever gotten shingles.

Don't roll your eyes!

The fact is that my kitchen is a bacterial breeding ground and I'm going to put a stop to that. I am going to buy every single anti-bacterial cleaning product and disposable wipe in the world to make sure not a single bacteria lives.

Shut up already about antibiotic resistant bacteria! I don't care if the point you're trying to make is about the overuse of antibiotics, I don't need to hear about indestructible bacteria!

Oh, that's it! I don't care if the products I use kill the tree-huggers' precious "environment!" All the environment does is produce things that'll kill you. Damn it! The sooner it dies the better.

Now let me irradiate my food so I can make some supper.

Sandra "Snad" Polifroni is a disgruntled Computer Scientist who's currently on leave from a PhD. She has a degree in Physics which helps her make fun of "science" shows on cable channels. Snad loves to complain and has been told that no one complains as well as
she does. Snad's taken her love of complaining and created an on-line journal chronicling her exciting adventures through her PhD
and a page full of reviews of restaurants she's been to in the GTA (and beyond!)