An Open Letter to Senator Hillary Clinton

Hi Senator Clinton. May I call you Hillary? I know everyone has decided that you should be addressed as 'Hillary' or 'Mrs Clinton' rather than 'Senator Clinton', but I thought I should ask.

Anyhoo.

You do know your campaign is doomed, right? It's over. It's not going to happen. Everyone has collectively decided that you suck.

It doesn't matter what you do, it's always wrong. You show steely resolve and they say you're some kind of heartless wench. You cry and they say you're feeble. You try to distance yourself from your husband and they say that you can't do that. You stand by your husband and they call you an idiot for doing that.

Oh, and then you were on the board of Wal-Mart. It was, like, eons ago, and you were just starting your career, but no one cares. You could tell them all that it was a shrewd career move and any other human being would have jumped at it, but it doesn't matter. Fuck, *I*, who don't shop at Wal-Mart out of principle, wouldn't pass up a position on Wal-Mart's board. That's rolling with the Big Boys and instant business/lawyer cred. But, you know, you might as well have hung out with Neo Nazis and sacrificed babies seals to the Forces of Evil.

Most baffling to me, they make fun of your pantsuits. This one I really don't get. What do they expect you to wear? A sundress?

And finally, you were "peer pressured" into doing shots. Now you're a bad role model, too.

You could find a cure for AIDS and they'd say you were encouraging promiscuity.

You're lucky they haven't started throwing rotten tomatoes at you.

You're the nerdy kid running for class president. You're trying to be cool, but it's not working. If they liked you, they'd look past the whole Wal-Mart thing and everything else and say that you've learned from your past and that you have gained experience and savvy. They'd say that your recent track record shows that you're an excellent politician. And they'd call your pantsuits 'smart'. But they don't like you.

So do what I do when I know that there's no winning: stop trying to be cool and be yourself. Fuck the haters. Tell it like it is and forget about being clever or snappy or whatever. And stop trying to bring down Sen Obama. He's the cool kid everyone loves. He can do no wrong. He could run through Manhattan naked, screaming "death to America" and everyone would just say that he was making a statement about the the US's impotent foreign policy or something.

Oh. And one last thing: I'm sorry everyone's a closet misogynist. It kinda sucks, and I'm really disappointed, but what are you going to do? You broke through quite a few ceilings. It's been a good run. Too bad it had to end like this.