I'm not bitter. I have had a number of good, long-term relationships. There's not better feeling than being in love, but the more I go through life, I wonder if I am more hooked on the feeling than the person. After being a serial dater for my entire post-pubescent life, I am asking myself, "Who am I? What do I want to do? Who do I want to be?", without factoring in someone else's wants and desires into the equation. I've always turned those questions around, like a hooker, "Well, who do you want me to be? What do you want to do?", like it was someone else's dime. Maybe this is my particular compulsion, but I have seen lots of other gals do it, too, like they are not allowed to be number one.

Granted, the nature of all relationships, including friendships and filial relationships, involve compromise. If you did everything your way all the time no one could stand to be around you and you would be alone all the time. I just seemed to notice that women do most of the bending. I have not seen any "balancing work and family" articles in GQ or Maxim. Guys who worry too much about what their girlfriends think or consult them first are not considered men. Girls who do not worry about what their boyfriends think or consult them first are considered less than human. One way for me to maintain my humanity was to bail the boyfriend. There is a reason why married women suffer from more depression than unmarried ones, while the reverse is true for men.

I fell into that trap, too. In order to maintain a relationship, I have to become less of myself. At first, guys dig that I'm social, outgoing, energetic and the person that a lot of people want to hang out with. Then they wind up hating me for being social, outgoing, energetic and hanging out with lots of different people. One boyfriend was particularly irked, and I told him - "Look - you met me at my nightclub! Why did you think that I went into the nightclub business? It suits me perfectly!" He confessed that he thought I was like that because of the club. Just because you take the girl out of the party does not mean you take the party out of the girl. Usually, I compromise and try to tone it down to maintain the relationship, then wind up completely depressed. Then I get the "You're not like you used to be" comment. When I get out of it, I feel like I've been let out of a cage, and my friends say, "we're so glad to have you back".

So for the New Year, I am daring to be single, getting used to going out by myself and not worrying about finding someone for me because I'm not even looking. It's much better being with myself and getting to know me all over again. I'm thinking of that corny song "I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me" as I write this, but it's true. It will be hard. I will have lonely spells, but I've already been lonely in a relationship where I have molded myself beyond recognition and wound up hating myself and being hated for it, too. Dare to be single. I'm taking no prisoners, no last names and no phone numbers either, and it's great.

Miss Kitty Kowalski

Kitty Kowalski is the front-person for New York's The Kowalskis. She broke onto the New York Scene first in an all-girl band called Starkist, and then as owner of the New York nightclub, Coney Island High.

After The Kowalskis released their debut CD, All Hopped Up on Goofballs, she toured the US, Europe and Canada. She has also won songwriting competitions for Jane Magazine, Shure Microphones and Billboard Magazine.

Kitty is also a writer and photographer, with her regular column of Coolgrrrls.com and photographs published in Rolling Stone and Young Miss. She has also contributed interviews and articles to several web and print 'zines, including a sex advice column for www.nicexlife.com.

Kitty appears in the Troma cult film, "Terror Firmer", and promised to stop acting if actors stop forming bands.

Read Kitty's regular column here:
http://www.coolgrrrls.com/1/kitty.html

Visit The Kowalskis Web for more rants, music and live appearances:
http://www.thekowalskis.com